gayannabeth

  Mentions of abisive parents and a single r-slur usage

  [colpse]

  Liv, seeming to sense that it would probably be best to leave Rachel and I alone, didn’t stick around after dropping the two of us off back at my apartment. All of Rachel’s belongings were in a pile next to the couch, and the bag with my new clothes had been brought to my bedroom. As soon as the door closed behind Liv, Rachel fell back onto the couch with a huff.

  “How are you feeling, Rachel?” I asked.

  She let out a groan. “I don’t understand. She said I wasn’t her son anymore. Why did she say that, Lilly?”

  I held back the urge to point out that Rachel was, in fact, never anyone’s son. Considering her continuing unacceptance of her own gender and her current negative mood, it didn’t seem like it would be all that helpful.

  “Why didn’t they just believe me? I did this to expose–”

  “That’s bullshit,” I said before I could stop myself. “You did not need to do all of this to expose anything, Rachel. You-” I cut myself off.

  “Yeah…” Rachel said. “I could’ve stopped. I didn’t.” She sat up. “I’m so stupid. I’m a failure, Lilly. I’m–”

  “Stop,” I said. “You’re not stupid. You- You like being a girl, don’t you?”

  Rachel stiffened. “Well, I mean, it’s not bad, but, ya know, I’m, uh, supposed-”

  “You’re not ‘supposed to be a man,’ Rachel,” I said.

  Rachel groaned dramatically. “But I am! I have to be–”

  “Why do you have to be?” I asked.

  “Because– Because– Because–” Rachel whined loudly. “Stop asking me hard questions!”

  I sighed and sat on the armrest of the couch near Rachel’s head.

  I fought the urge to continue questioning and pushing Rachel. She didn’t need that right now. She needed me to… To what? Comfort her? I had a feeling she’d just push me away if I tried to hug her or something.

  Fuck, this situation was just… so complicated.

  I stood. “Ok, well, I’m going to prepare supper for the two of us now,” I said. “I’ve got some leftover pizza. That sound good?”

  “Sure,” Rachel said, sounding upset.

  I went to the kitchen, opened up the fridge and pulled out a box of leftover pizza. Four slices remained, so I just put them all on a pte and put the pte into my microwave.

  “Got any alcohol?” Rachel asked. I turned to find her standing there awkwardly, looking down at her feet, her hands held in front of her.

  “I don’t think you should-”

  “I don’t care,” Rachel snapped. She cringed. “Look, I just… fuck, I’ve had a complete roller coaster of a day, Lilly. Just one drink, ok?”

  “Well, unless you want beer, I’ve got nothin’,” I said.

  Rachel made a face. “Better than nothing.”

  “Fine. Just one though. You have css tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, whatever,” Rachel said. “Fucking css, as if I give a single shit about any of it.” She pulled open the fridge and took out a can of beer, a grimace on her face.

  The microwave started beeping, signalling the pizza was done heating up, so I took out the pte, wincing at how hot it was. I returned to the couch, Rachel following behind me with her beer.

  I put on a video on YouTube for us to watch while we ate. Neither of us talked much throughout it, only providing a few comments here or there. Rachel was much quieter than she normally was — she typically would never shut up. I guess there was a lot on her mind. I wanted to ask her about it, but I was worried about how she might react. I didn’t want her repressing her gender any more than she already was – especially considering she, you know, had already been magically transformed and given the body of a cis girl.

  …

  Or maybe a body more like a post-op trans girl; I know I wouldn’t want to deal with periods every month. Blood squick me out a lot. I shuddered.

  “What?” Rachel asked.

  “Oh, nothing, just thinking about… uh… periods.”

  Rachel was silent for a moment. “Oh fuck,” she finally said. “You don’t think-”

  “Maybe,” I said, interrupting her. “Maybe not. I guess we’ll find out in a few weeks.”

  Rachel looked like she’d suddenly started having fshbacks to being forced to listen to our high school drama teacher sing Justin Bieber’s “Baby” at the school-wide karaoke competition (yes, that actually happened, it was about as horrifying as you’re imagining it to be). “I… Do we need pads?” Well, she’s asking practical questions, at least.

  “Yeah, we should probably get pads just in case,” I replied, trying not to let on just how weird this was for me. The possibility of having to deal with periods hadn’t been, like, a thing until now. Hopefully not a thing ever. With any luck, my body would just… not get periods.

  Rachel started ughing. “Fuck this is so dumb,” she said. “So fucking retarded.”

  “Rachel-”

  “I said what I said, I’m not taking it back,” she snapped. “God, am I just… stuck this way?” She didn’t wait for me to respond. “Yeah, I totally am. Unless I find some magic to turn me back, I guess.” An involuntary look of revulsion appeared on her face.

  “Uh, I guess you could, like, take testosterone.”

  Rachel looked even more disgusted at the thought of that.

  Goddess, Rachel was a lightweight. She only stuck with the one drink, but even that was enough to get her talkative again.

  “You notice how that Olivia girl who was with you earlier kinda look like Amethyst in that game?”

  I nodded. “Um, yeah, I’ve noticed.”

  “She’s hoooootttttt,” Rachel said, giggling.

  “Liv or Amethyst?”

  “You call her Liv?”

  “Um, yeah,” I said.

  “That’s so cute!” Rachel excimed.

  I gnced over at her. Her cheeks were flushed, and she was having trouble sitting still.

  “Uh, what?”

  Rachel burped. “I mean, like… Fuck, too bad she’s gay.”

  I could feel my heart pounding away. I should tell her. About me. About what I’d realised earlier today. “You were right, you know.”

  Rachel hummed. “What about?”

  “I am… trans,” I said. “I’m a girl.”

  Rachel nodded. “Thought so. You just seem so much less… anxious. I dunno. This whole girl thing suits you really well.”

  “It suits you well too,” I replied.

  She let out an incoherent squeal. “Fucking… You think? I dunno. I can’t just… Can I?”

  “Can you what?” I asked eagerly. Was she-

  “It’s stupid, never mind,” Rachel said. “So fucking stupid. I’m such an idiot.”

  “Please stop, Rachel,” I said.

  She flinched. “Rachel. Rachelllll.” She sighed. “I’m not really Rachel. Just… Just… Just…” She trailed off. “I wish I was Rachel.”

  “You are Rachel,” I asserted. “That’s just… how this works.”

  “Is it?” Rachel snapped, whirling around to face me and causing herself to flop over, her head nding in my p with a faint oof.

  “Um, Rachel?”

  “Gimme a sec.” she pulled herself up. “Oh god, how am I this drunk right now?”

  “You’re smaller,” I pointed out. “Much smaller.”

  “Oh yeah,” she said. “Not these.” She poked herself in the boob. “This is nice.” She kept poking it. “It’s like… part of me.”

  “Um, yeah?”

  “It’s amazing,” she whispered. “I wish I could stay this way.”

  “You can totally stay this way.”

  She didn’t respond, completely captivated by her boobs.

  I don’t know exactly when Rachel fell asleep. After a bit, she ended up ying down, her head in my p, so I had to assume it was between then and when I next checked on her several minutes ter to find her eyes closed and her breathing had slowed down.

  I turned off the TV, then looked down at my friend. She looked so peaceful like this. I was worried that I’d wake her if I moved, but I needed to sleep too.

  I lifted her head and stood up, gently lowering her back onto the couch. She didn’t wake up. Good. She needed to sleep.

  I collected our pte and Rachel’s empty beer can and brought them back to the kitchen. I threw out the can and put the pte in the sink. I’d clean it in the morning.

  I went to my room and grabbed a spare bnket. I brought it to Rachel and pced it over her.

  “Night, Rachel,” I whispered. The sleeping girl didn’t respond.

  I quickly brushed my teeth before returning to my room and stripping out of my clothes, dumping them on the floor before I climbed into bed.

  I didn’t fall asleep right away. I had too much to think about. My gender. Rachel. Liv. My parents.

  My gender? Simple. I’m a girl, more or less. Oh, sure, I guess maybe I was simir to Hazel or Quinn or Venny, being something like a girl but not exactly. That didn’t seem all that important to figure out.

  I liked Rachel. She was cute. But now was not the time to… To what? To flirt? To ask her out? She was nowhere near being in the right headspace for that, and it felt like our shared history might complicate things a bit.

  On top of that, I liked Liv. I wanted her to fuck me. I wanted to kiss her again. But if I asked Liv out… It was starting to feel a bit like if I did, I’d be betraying Rachel in some way, which was silly, but try telling my stupid brain that.

  As for my parents? Well, I knew my mom accepted me. A little too easily, actually. I’d told her I’d transitioned by magic, and she didn’t even question it! My dad… I’d always been distant from my dad, it felt like. Oh, I vaguely remembered being much closer when I was very young, before the divorce, but… Ever since, I only saw him on weekends, when I could travel up to Barrie. He’d always wanted to spend time with me doing sports or hiking or various other outdoorsy activities, something which a dysphoria filled teenaged me had recoiled from. Sitting in my room on my computer all day was much more appealing, and no one had to see me that way.

  I should probably tell him, but…

  I had been nervous about telling my mom I’m a trans girl. I was even more nervous telling my dad.

  gayannabeth