Chapter 5: “When You Know.”

  The apartment had grown cluttered since Sophia took things out of storage.

  The space was covered in her presence but Riley strangely didn’t mind. He had been here for years and had nothing but his graduation picture with his parents and his degrees on the wall. Now he was surrounded by decor that was somewhere between bohemian and country chic.

  Riley was once again adjusting his tie.

  He hadn’t worn one in so long that it felt like it was choking him slightly. His dress shoes had the unfortunate effect of making him look like he had hooves thanks to his digitigrade legs. His suit jacket didn’t quite fit him but it fit the part he was hoping to play, a business professional. Despite that his clothes had come from thrifting with Sophia he was making an effort.

  Sophia watched him look at himself in the mirror while wearing her black 3 Johns polo and eating cereal.

  “Nervous?” She asked before taking a bite of generic Lucky Charms.

  “Yeah… I hope I pass…”

  “Like a test?”

  “I mean pass for a professional. I haven’t dressed up in so long.” Riley’s ears and tail twitched. He had gotten a temporary business analyst job right out of college and moved into the apartment but then it ended. Then came a paid internship with the promise of a job that never came. Then came another without a promise. Then not even an interview. Riley had been working fast food ever since.

  It was supposed to be a minor set back until he got another analyst job. Like a summer break before getting back into the corporate world. The summer ended but the “summer job” didn’t.

  Riley swallowed, “I hope they don’t misgender me. I hope they see me and not like a cat girl in a suit or another nonbinary pet project.”

  Sophia put down her spoon and walked over with the confidence that her feline roommate was currently lacking. She adjusted his tie.

  “You’re gonna do great Riley.”

  She then reached over and picked up her makeup bag. And pulled out a eyeshadow pallet and a brush.

  Riley frowned, “I’m sure makeup is exactly what will make me look more masculine.”

  “None of the sass sir,” Sophia said with a smirk. She dabbed the pallet and brought the brush up to his face. Riley flinched and his tail slapped the air.

  “I know what I’m doing,” Sophia said and added a slow blink.

  Riley gave a blink of his own and the tiniest nod, trusting her.

  Sophia brushed the pigment onto his muzzle, darkening his gray fur.

  “You need some contour,“ she said “it’s all about perception. A beard is the male contour.”

  Riley relaxed as she made him look more masculine. He felt his chest puff up just a bit.

  “There,” she said and pulled back as he admired her work.

  “Thanks Soph.”

  “No problem. Hey, do you know who you look like in that suit?”

  “If you say the Attorney General I’m gonna need a new roommate and a probably a lawyer,” Riley said with a smirk.

  “A guy with a good job,” she said without any hint of teasing.

  Riley felt his chest tighten and his lips form a smile. After a moment he swallowed and cleared his throat.

  “Y’know, speaking of Sobek Bobtail, he was misgendered until he received the Medal of Honor. Even his parent, Protector Bobtail would be misgendered.”

  Sophia shrugged, “People don’t think.”

  Riley didn’t know what else to say as he looked at Sophia. They shared the same space, ate together, but had so few conversations. He looked at the back of the couch and saw a black dress on a hanger.

  A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  “Date after work?”

  She blushes and he felt… weird. Not bad but not good either. He brushed it off as nerves.

  “Yeah what’s why I have the morning shift today. Mind if I text you the address? In case I get killed.”

  “Sure thing. And I’ll avenge your honor.”

  “Daw, so sweet. Now got get ‘em tiger!” She said as she began to walk to the door, then she stopped and turned to look at Riley, “I’m sorry, was that offensive? Calling you a tiger?”

  Riley chuckled, “no Sophie…”

  “Okay. You let me know though. Good luck!”

  Riley took one more look at his reflection and felt a faint glimmer of hope in the future. He almost felt pride when he looked at himself. Almost.

  The lobby was as polished as it was lifeless. A cool-toned corporate hell that hid its cubicles and glass offices. Riley was starting to feel tense again even though scenery was as sterile as a lab.

  He signed in before making his way to the elevator. Following the instructions in the email, he walked up to the desk in front of him.

  He didn’t notice at first and he realized that was the point. In front of him sat a Felivar. A auburn bob wig, eye liner, a blouse, and a skirt. Everything about this broadcasted “female” just as he did “male.” The Felivar gave him a tight smile but eyes scanned him like baggage.

  “Hello, I’m Tiffany and you are?”

  “Good morning, I’m Riley Preserved. I’m here for the 10:00 interview.” Riley thought about her name. Most Felivar still had names passed down from the Old World. Did she choose it or was it chosen for her by parents that hoped she’d assimilate.

  “Oh.” Is all she said. She gave Riley the impression that he was not welcome already. “Right this way.” Tiffany‘s heels clicked against the floor as she led him to the small conference room.

  Behind the table sat four humans. Three men and a woman. The men were pale skinned, the two on the left were the youngest and almost looked like twins and looked like they had just shared a hilarious inside joke. The man to the right of them was older but not by much with brown hair and a tight beard. The woman on the far right had her silvering hair in braids that were pulled back. She was the only one to stand as Riley walked in and the first to offer a handshake. She opened her mouth to speak but the “twin” on the far left spoke over her, causing her to sigh and grimace.

  “Hey there Riley! I’m Skylar, this is Philip, Michael and La-chan-dra!”

  “Lachundra,” she corrected and gave Riley a respectable handshake. Michael followed, less firm. Philip offered a fist bump instead and Skylar extended his hand to the chair in front of their table when Riley tried to shake his hand.

  “I like the outfit Riley, very… very butch,” said Skylar.

  “Yeah she looks great right?” Added Philip, causing Riley to flinch.

  “Mister Preserved,” Lachundra said to start off the interview properly. Skylar and Philip mouthed “Mister Preserved?”to each other and stifled giggles.

  “Thank you for joining us today. Lachundra Davis.” She reintroduced herself and Riley smiled a little.

  “Thank you Miss Davis.”

  “So let’s get to it,” said Phillip. “We’ve already got a business admin.”

  “Yeah, Tiffany” added Skylar.

  “So I don’t think we need another Fell-liver admin.”

  “This is the interview for the business analyst position,” said Michael, finally speaking.

  Skylar and Philip then looked at Riley with less amusement. They skimmed through his resume for the first time. Like it was a chore to pretend to care.

  Riley needed this job, he needed a change. He continued to endure the questions about his gaps, how he had ‘abandoned’ working in an office for working a fryer, as if he had a choice.

  “Looks like you began working for Excerlon right out of university and then left.” Michael pointed out.

  “Yes, it was a temporary position to fill while their analyst was on maternity leave,” Riley’s throat felt dry and his tail wanted to twitch and slap.

  “And then that’s when you went to E-Energy?” Asked Lachundra.

  “Yes ma’am, I-“

  “You know, maybe this field just isn’t right for you,” Skylar cut in.

  “I mean, Big Jonno is an institution, right? Why not get Uncle Jonno to hire you on?”

  “Oh they call them ‘tava’ right?” Pointed out Phillip.

  “Oh yeah! Good point! Yeah so just call up Tava Jonno. Food is obviously your thing yeah?”

  Riley gritted his teeth and hid them behind his lips as Skylar continued, “Me and my frat brother here got the positions straight out of college. That just shows how qualified we are. I mean… when you know, you know. You especially know when it’s ‘no.’”

  Riley smiles. Not happy. Baring his teeth. He thanks them and stands. Lachundra looks around confused.

  “What? We’re not done here.”

  “No, we’re done,” said Philip.

  Riley didn’t flinch. He didn’t growl. He smiled. Just enough teeth to pass as polite.

  They took it as gratitude and he let them believe it.

  “Thank you… for your time…” Riley nodded at Lachundra and gave a blink. He turned and walked out; slow, smooth, tail tight with tension.

  Tiffany didn’t even look up from her desk. Not this time.

  Outside, the sky had the audacity to be blue. Houston heat pressed against his fur like failure made physical. There were no trains. No buses. Not here. Just the long walk back.

  He walked it like a funeral march. His suit itched under the sweat soaking his palms and feet. He could feel the fake beard smudging and dripping where Sophia had painted confidence onto him like war paint. It felt like a joke now. A kid playing dress up. A cat in a man costume.

  By the time he reached the apartment, his feet ached. His legs burned. His heart… that was both quieter and yet heavier.

  He went straight to his room. Closed the door without thinking. Took off the suit like it was evidence, something that could be used against him. Piece by piece, he peeled off the day. Piece by piece, he was revealing himself. Until he was just standing there in his underwear, fur clinging to his skin in damp patches, eyes hollow.

  He looked at himself in the mirror.

  They had seen this.

  Not the version Sophia helped shape.

  Not Riley Graycloaked Preserved, Business Analyst. He was a cat pretending to be a man, a joke.

  He stared at his reflection until something inside him buckled.

  He fell onto the bed and hit the pillow with his fist. Then again. And again. And again. The growl started low. It built in his chest, thick and wet with rage, until it spilled out in broken sobs.

  It wasn’t just about the job. Not really, it was everything in his life. It was the car he used to have before it got totaled and left him in debt. The one he kept making payments on, long after it was scrap. The way his credit tanked and the way no one would give him a second chance because of a number on a screen. The way he had to walk to work in a fast food uniform every day while his classmates posted promotions and baby announcements.

  It was the way Sophia looked at him this morning, brushing gray pigment into his muzzle like she could sculpt confidence with a makeup brush. And the way her eyes lit up when she talked about her date. Some guy she hadn’t named. Some guy who wasn’t him.

  He was so stupid to hope and think she might look at him the way he looked at her sometimes, when she wasn’t watching. Stupid to believe he could be seen as a man, a partner, a person, just a roommate with sad eyes and a silent crush.

  He buried his face into the pillow, chest heaving. All he could think was ‘why?’

  Why did I ever think I’d be enough? Why did I think I had what it takes?

  Riley looked at the photo of himself and his parents at his graduation. His Baba Arno and Baba Enne met on the docks in Houston. They came over in the exodus, fled a dying world so they could start a new life. Riley remembered the stories of how they fixed up a crumbling homes in North Houston with other Felivar and Black, Asian, and Latine families. They made their life with hammer, paintbrush, and joy.

  They didn’t wait for someone to hand them anything, they went after it. They built a life together and had Riley when their human friends had grandchildren. Even in being born, Riley felt like he was behind schedule.

  “We didn’t get to have you until we were safe, baby. You are not a mistake. You’re a promise,” his Baba Enne told him but it felt like he was a broken promise. He had everything and yet couldn’t figure out how to do anything with it.