CHAPTER 33

  "I did my best, it wasn't much

  I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

  I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

  And even though it all went wrong

  I'll stand before the Lord of Song

  With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah."

  -Leonard Cohen

  ...

  Carl was sitting up in bed, his ear buds in, listening to an old Playlist. The dulcet tones of Mazzy Stars "Look on down from the bridge" had him feeling melancholy. Penny lay beside him, the moonlight through the blinds playing on her pale skin. He watched her sleep for awhile, a few strands of hair had fallen over her face. He gently tucked them behind her ear. Penny was so different from Chloe, intense at her job, but so easy going in their relationship. She carried a lot of baggage, from her father, from her ex...she never let it define her though. She had managed to find a healthy balance that so few are able to. He leaned down and kissed her temple.

  He quietly slid out of the bed and threw on a tshirt and some jeans. His old converse from his former universe had come back with him, he slid those on and headed across the hall.

  He slipped into his apartment and crept over to his bedroom door and peeked in. He could see Robbie in the darkness, he smiled to himself. After all the worry, his boy was safe. Though, if he was being honest, Robbie was no longer a boy. At 21 years old, he was a man. He had shown that when he'd taken control of the kidnapping situation. Carl felt a surge of pride, that was his boy that had done that. At 21, Carl was busy getting drunk and chasing girls. Robbie was a handsome boy, he had no doubt he would have an easy time with the ladies.

  He closed the door quietly and walked through the living room, his eyes landing on Steve's painting. He stood there in the darkness staring at this representation of a version of him that he wasnt sure he recognized anymore. He both missed that man and was glad he was no longer that man. He missed the thrill and adrenaline of launching himself, claws out, at whatever came his way.

  He chuckled to himself.

  He remembered the feeling, but he also remembered all the pain that came with it. He couldnt justify that behavior anymore. He had responsibilities, he had people that loved and depended on him. He had to leave that kind of thing for the next generation. He had no doubt Robbie would pick up that mantle. That he would be fearless in battle. The kid had grit. He turned away from the painting, grinning.

  He walked out to the hall, he stopped at the rift room and ran his hands over the side of the vault the rift was housed in. They had hammered out the dents, but it would always hold the scars of that night. The night he lost control...the night that changed everything. Maybe it had to happen. He thought it better not to dwell.

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  He continued through the rift area and headed to the lobby. Winston was in his booth laughing at something on his phone. He looked up as Carl approached and waved. Carl gave him a smile and waved back. He headed to Matt's lab, the light was on. As he rounded the corner, he wasn't surprised to see Matt hunched over his desk writing. The man never stopped. He watched him for a moment, then headed over to the suit of armor that stood against the wall. He put his hand on the shoulder, he knew deep down, that everything was because of Nano. If he had never met the a.i., he would still be a drifter somewhere in the Midwest United States most likely. The suit had changed everything. The little blue light on the nano-bracelet he wore pulsed slowly. Nano acknowledging him. No words required. They made a good team. He patted the armor lovingly and left the lab, he looked back, Matt was so absorbed in his work he hadn't even noticed Carl.

  Good.

  No sense disturbing him. He walked back out to the lobby, held his pack of weedarettes up and nodded towards the door. Winston gave him a thumbs up. Carl stepped outside and shook one out of the pack and lit it.

  It was a full moon, the night was brighter than usual, the crickets weren't chirping anymore as the colder weather had started to move in. Carl shivered, he should've grabbed a coat. He didnt care though.

  There was a certain sterile beauty to a cold moonlit night.

  He pulled the smoke deep into his lungs and watched it form a big cloud as he exhaled, half smoke, half warm breath in the cold.

  A different world, a different universe...but the moon hung in the sky just the same. It seemed to get bigger as he stared at it. Maybe he was getting smaller...maybe he was a little stoned. Was he really doing this?

  Leaving Missouri and all the history behind to make Krembolt his home seemed like a major decision. Yet it had been easy. Way easier than he thought it would be. He took a final drag and blew it up into the night sky.

  As he finished, he stubbed it out on the bottom of his shoe and dropped the butt in the sand filled concrete ashtray.

  He went back inside, nodding at Winston as he passed and rubbing his arms to warm them up.

  He made his way back to Penny's apartment and slipped in. He undressed slowly, she had shifted and the blanket had fallen a bit. He found himself taken aback at her beauty. He slid in beside her, pulling the blanket back up to cover her. He leaned over, and in barely a whisper said,

  "I love you."

  He had yet to say it to her while she was conscious, but he was working up to it. It was an odd thing, not being scared to face down death, but being terrified of his feelings. Scared of how she would react to those three little words. All of the "what ifs" in life had a way of making him hesitate. He had realized a while ago that he was falling in love with her. He was pretty sure she felt the same, but he didn't want to rush anything. He popped his ear buds out and set them on the nightstand. Without a soundtrack, life was nearly silent.

  Only Penny's breathing.

  He lay back, wriggled closer to Penny's warmth and closed his eyes.

  He let his mind drift, and it wasn't long until his breathing was deep, matching Penny's.

  The next day he stood in the rift room, Robbie was heading back. Everyone had come to say goodbye. Carl watched him shake hands with Andy, the same pride he'd felt the night before threatening to burst out of his mouth.

  He stayed quiet though.

  No need to be an overbearing parent. Robbie finished shaking hands and saying goodbyes and came over to Carl.

  He looked at his son, he wanted to say a million things. To give him advice, to tell him how proud he was...but no.

  He had to follow his own path. It was hard, being a father and letting go. He would learn the good and the bad of life through experience. Just like he had.

  He pulled Robbie into a hug.

  "I love you son."

  "Love you too dad."

  He held him just a moment longer before he let go. Robbies good eye lingered on Carls for a moment then he was turning away and stepping through the rift.

  The others dispersed in different directions. Penny kissed his cheek and headed to her desk. She was in the middle of another murder case she was eager to get back to. He stood there, staring at the rift.

  Not ready to leave yet.

  He knew Royles would be watching, his finger hovering over the button that would close the heavy vault door.

  Carl looked up at the camera and smiled.

  He turned and walked out, the door slowly swung shut behind him. He headed over to his desk, positioned right next to Penny's. He knew she would have copies of the files waiting for him. She was a firm believer that together they were a better investigative team. She was right of course.

  Its why they worked so well together, they were on the same wavelength. He'd never had that before. He stood a little ways away from her before going to his desk. She had that little crinkle between her eyes that he found so cute. It usually meant she was trying to work something out in her head.

  He should go help.

  He slid by her, his fingertips brushing her shoulder. Royles was fine with them dating, but PDA was generally frowned upon when they were clocked in.

  She felt his light touch and looked up with a smile. She handed him some files and he sat down and started going over them.

  The job was important to him. It was a job that helped people, that saved lives. A job he never thought possible for a man like him, or a man like he used to be. There were different versions of him running around out there, each one a path he had never taken. Was he the best version of himself?

  Probably not.

  Was he finally happy with himself?

  Absolutely.