Egbert watched nervously—he would be biting his nails if he had any—as the profusely bleeding fisherman stepped into the hallway and looked at the next door. “The hell?...Is there a trick to this? Pappy always said the real wizards were tricksy.” Jeb said languidly, nearly chewing each word before slowly examining every damn inch of the door.

  It's exactly the same as the last one! Just please, remove coin purse, calmly place a coin into the slot instead of, you know, stabbing yourself violently on a mystery spike! Jeb nodded like he finally understood what was happening. “It’s a true test of my resolve to make sure I am not the kind of person to just throw money at a problem and make sure I’m dedicated.” He raised his unmangled hand precipitously over the Blood or Coin door spike.

  Wow, I made it years as a tax collector carrying a country's worth of wealth on me most of the time. I thwarted over a dozen robbery attempts with nary a coin lost. And here I am on day one as a dungeon, unable to get a single copper out of a toothless fishperson…

  Jeb’s hand descended like the gavel of judgment on Egbert’s future, slamming onto the spike once again. “Oh, by all the toothed ancestors, that smarts!” Jeb drawled, holding his mangled palm close to his body with his other mangled hand. Sir, I feel unkind saying this, but at this point I hope the mimic eats you; I don’t think it would be a net positive for the world if your family line continues.

  The second door swung wide once again, bringing Jeb face-to-twitching antenna with the Loot Bug. There was a heartbeat of pause before he dived for the bug. It dashed under the door, and he smashed face-first into the mimic, concerningly hard. He stood up holding his jaw and spitting a mottled tooth onto the floor. “Aww damn, that one was my steak tooth, gonna have to cut em smaller now.” The mimic shifted almost imperceptibly in excitement.

  Egbert had found that instructing the mimic how to act was reasonably easy; he had instructed it only to attack if the “adventurer” was so insufferably cheap that they decided to disfigure themselves instead of kindly donating some life-giving coinage.

  Jeb leaned against the hallway’s stone walls, dripping blood all over what was the one clean place in Egbert’s Dungeon. He was looking a bit pale at this point between the blood loss and a likely concussion. “Just one more door and then I’m off to the magic towers, Pappy!” He looked at the spike and then at the coin slot; the coin slot looked back with a slitted eye.

  Jeb lunged backward, wielding his fishing pole like a sword in the mimic’s direction. “Pappy warned me about Doors like you!” He thwacked the mimic right in the coin-slot eyeball with a surprisingly vicious jab of the fishing pole.

  Dear sweet gods above, you had one job. I don’t know what I was expecting...it did literally cost less than a damn normal door. Egbert was mentally facepalming as the door subtly licked its lips and then exploded from its hinges, giving up all pretext of shitty stealth.

  “AGAGAHHHH” Jeb screamed something between a battle cry and a panicked squeal as he and the door began to battle. It was a painfully inglorious thing for Egbert to watch. The Mimic had sprouted two spindly clawed arms from its edges, and a circular mouth with needle-like teeth now protruded slightly from its torso. Comically undersized stubby feet jutted from the bottom of the door’s edges as well. It had both claws wrapped around Jeb’s shoulders and was trying to pull him into its mouth.

  Jeb had a booted foot solidly planted above its mouth and was trying to kick the thing off of himself. They struggled back and forth like this for a bit before the mimic lost its grip on Jeb’s shoulder and was kicked down the hallway. “I’ll be back! Tammy will end you!” Jeb shouted at the mimic as it awkwardly clambered back to its feet and began waddling towards him again.

  Jeb turned tail and booked it the few steps out of the hallway and onto the porch, not slowing one bit. Wait, what is he? The staircase is left. Jeb sailed off of the porch with the grace of a diving swan, arms extended above his head in a graceful arc into the waters below.

  Egbert angrily turned his attention to the slightly battered Mimic; it looked pleased with itself. I want a damn refund. Does the shop do refunds... Egbert actually stopped and scoured the shop for a minute to see if there was a refund button. Unfortunately there was not. No wonder you were so cheap….

  Egbert looked over the hallway battleground, hoping, praying even, that the man had dropped a few coins during his scuffle. He had almost given up hope when the slight golden sheen of a filling caught his gaze. Egbert hovered above the decaying tooth Jeb had lost like it was the most beautiful of treasures. It had a single roughly laid golden cap across it.

  Egbert immediately activated [Gimme The Gold!], watching in anticipation as small streamers of golden light trailed off of the gold filling layer by layer. It took a good hour for his Skill to finish the job, but he breathed a metaphorical sigh of relief looking at his horde.

  [Copper 1] [Silver 2]

  Was it amazing? No. Was it enough to defend himself from the now revenge-bent fishpeople? Also probably not. But it was better than nothing. Alright, I've probably got until tomorrow before Jeb There comes back with his sister-cousin or whatever member of his family wreath im sure he will bring for backup Also hell-bent on becoming a “wizard.” They are going to be aggressively upset if they rub two brain cells together long enough to figure out that they have been bamboozled by a baby dungeon.

  Egbert took one more angry look at his buyer's remorse, proudly licking blood off the hallway floor, and flipped the store open, hoping for a miracle. I need one good thing...something they will want to put coins into...wait, or something that makes their lives easier….

  Egbert flipped through a few categories before he found what he was looking for; he practically cackled to himself in pride.

  [Least Haste Obelisk](1 silver)

  This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

  Makes an adventurer move really fast for all of about ten seconds for the low, low price of whatever the fuck you think they will pay.

  Egbert bought it immediately. It was a small yellow featureless stone tower that crackled with tiny orange sparks, and he set the price to two copper coins. Then Eggbert placed it dead center on the stone altar, using it to hide the little coin slot his core was currently nestled into.

  [Copper 1] [Silver 1]

  Then he went to work on his core room, making an absolute mess out of the floor. Tiny bug-sized archways that would not quite fit a human hand were dotted across the floor like a demented racecourse. He added uneven pillars with hollow bottoms and holes all throughout for the little guy to race through as well. And just out of spite and because it would be funny, he put a few random sharply slanted sections on the roof that came down to head height, perfect for someone rushing around to clothesline themselves on.

  By the time Egbert was done, it looked like an interior decorator had done all of the drugs and gone to town with absolutely no adult supervision. Haha, good luck catching the demented golden speedster in that mess. Egbert was a bit surprised he had been able to accomplish so many changes with his meager budget, but apparently just adding simple stone shapes wasn’t prohibitively expensive—still more than he would like, but workable.

  [Copper 1]

  It didn’t protect him any better, but he was really hoping it would keep them busy enough that they wouldn’t think too hard about the how or why of this little agility challenge. And after a few dozen stubbed toes and bonked heads, Egbert was willing to bet they might well be inclined to get a little easily accessible superhuman speed boost.

  The final touch for his challenge room was, of course, a “Message from the magic academy.” He made sure to carve it in bold, impossible-to-miss lettering directly on the altar that the Haste Obelisk sat on. “Trial of speed, use the shrine.” He really hoped that was idiot-proof enough. If an actual mage comes in and looks at this for more than five seconds, they are going to call bullshit on me so fast…

  [Copper 0]

  Well flat broke and counting on fisherfolk being rich enough to keep me going. Everything is obviously going to plan. Egbert thought bitterly as he settled in to browse the shop some more before Jeb came back. Wait, I haven’t even checked my status sheet yet. I wonder what that’s like as a dungeon.

  [Unnamed Dungeon]

  [Threat: Laughable]

  [Wealth: Tax-exempt poverty level]

  [Influence: Local curiosity]

  Thats...thats flat out mean system…

  [Store Progress]

  [Toll Items 2 Silver/ 1 Gold](lvl1)

  [Mimics 4 Copper/ 1 Gold](lvl1)

  [Dungeon Loot 6 Copper/ 1 Gold](lvl1)

  [Notable Features]

  [None]

  Wait, is that how much I have to spend on things to unlock more goodies? High tax havens beyond that’s a fair amount. I’d need to spend 8 more silver just to get new toll items. I may need to garner clientele beyond the yokels sooner rather than later…

  Egbert was mid-scroll when two people stepped onto his porch. One was, of course, Jeb, although he looked a hell of a lot more prepared than last time. Gone was his fisherman's getup; in its place was the rattiest patchwork mage's robe Egbert had ever seen. He also had a knobby stick clutched in his hand that pulsed a blue light from a crystal on the tip. Oh damn…he actually brought a wand; he really is serious about the I'm-going-to-be-a-wizard schtick.

  The woman with him was a powerful example of matronly energy. A bright red apron still dusted with flour covered her rather massive frame. She had a damn rolling pin in one hand and a mace in the other, like she had just grabbed it on her way from making a pie. Her hair was pushed up into a ratty honeycomb bun barely held aloft by a hairpin, which Egbert was fairly sure was made from a fish skeleton. Ruddy round cheeks and minuscule glasses perched on her nose finished the grandmother-from-the-haunted-swamps look she had to her.

  Dear gods, is that a hag?

  Tammy squinted at the door dubiously. “Now Jeb, you sure did a lot of hollering to get me up here; this better not be another one of your moonshine miracles.” She croaked out, waving the rolling pin dangerously under his nose.

  “Naw, Tammy, this is real!” Jeb said seriously, pointing to the engraving above the door.

  She squinted at it, then at the door, and then finally at his hands. “Ya ijdit, how much does the door cost to open?” Jeb shrugged almost guiltily. She frowned mightily and pulled out a hefty coin purse, pouring a few copper coins into her hand. Then slotted a single copper into the first door. It swung open with a pleasant chime.

  Oh, thank all the gods above, you blessed creature. I am sorry I so much as doubted your character Tammy! Egbert spun his viewpoint in celebration of his first honestly earned coin.

  “Jeb, it’s a single bloody copper; the bandages and liquor we used on your hands cost more than that.” Tammy chuffed out in a mix of disbelief and frustration. She shook her head mightily, straining the structural integrity of her hairpin, before stepping up to the next door and slotting in another copper.

  [Copper 2]

  They walked up to the mimic door. Jeb pulled her to a stop a good arm's distance away, his wand leveled at the door. “Sis, this is it, the hungry door.”

  Tammy pushed him off and slotted another coin into the mimic door; it noticeably sagged, seemingly sad it didn’t get to try and eat anyone, before poutily swinging open with a creaking sound. “Ya know, maybe the mages are just greedy bastards and wanted to make sure people were paying to take their special test.”

  Jeb looked offended. “Then why would they even add the no coin option!” He drawled out while gesturing wildly at the spike.

  Tammy looked at him blankly. “I dunno, maybe they were hoping the real dumb ones would just kill themselves and spare them the pain in the arse.”

  This woman may not be the pinnacle of intelligence, but I do appreciate the twisted base cunning her logic is sprouting from. Alright, it's time for the main event! One would be mage who probably needs to repeat kindergarten, and his long-suffering sibling versus that thing! Egbert’s view shifted to overlook the Loot Bug; it was angrily perched on top of one of its new pillars, humming aggressively at the interlopers.

  Jeb immediately rushed forwards into the tangle of obstacles as the Loot Bug effortlessly zipped through a pillar and under a few archways. Jeb lunged again; it went exactly as well as Egbert expected. He smashed his hand on one of the little archways, not even close to catching the Loot Bug, and when he turned quickly to go after it again, he managed to catch one of the low pillars directly in his manhood, dropping him into a dry-heaving heap in the center of the room.

  Egbert flinched internally. Jeb, geez, you have been in the room for five seconds; at this rate you will die in there before I even manage to buy any traps. Slow down, my inbred little cash cow; I need repeat customers! Although maybe another nut shot or two would do the world's gene pool a favor.

  Tammy took a long look over the room before her eyes settled onto the obelisk; she let a sly smile peek out and went over to haul her retching brother off the floor. “Hey, have you ever been Hasted before?” She asked Jeb.

  “Course Not sis tha’s fancy structured magic. Ya need a skill or…” He trailed off, finally reading the obelisk’s very obvious text and looking at the coin slot. He practically rushed to the side of it, grabbing at his coin purse.

  Oh good, finally something that will make him feel wizardy enough to cough up some damn coins. Egbert watched in anticipation as Jeb slapped a hand onto the obelisk, a wide, gnarly smile on his face and a pair of copper coins clutched in his hand.