Chapter 23. Dulce et Amarum
Wednesday January 22nd, 2014.
Having finished breakfast, Tanya was going over her schedule for the day in her head as she caught the fleeting sight of Visha who tried to sneak past her on her way to the television. That girl was a thousand years too early if she thought she could pull a fast one on her.
“Visha!”
Stopping in her tracks, Visha slowly walked backwards a few steps towards Tanya before turning around and facing her. An innocent smile plastered across her face, as she asked sweetly while clasping her hands before her.
“Yes Tanya, did you need me for something? I was just about to go check my cubby for mail, so if you don’t mind, I’ll just be…”
“Oh, don’t worry, I already checked our cubby while you were ‘Freshening up,’ here’s your schedule for the day.”
“Oh, well that’s just…great…thank you Tanya.”
“Don’t mention it, now aside from our assigned chores it looks like your day is mostly empty, so I expect you to go sign up for as many time slots for the computer as you can. I’ll help you print out some more language worksheets to work on as well.”
Visha’s voice was flat, dry, and void of any emotion as she responded.
“Oh, well thank you Tanya, looks like I have a busy day ahead of me.”
“That you do, come, I’ll help you get started.”
Tanya was feeling proud of her subordinate and her ability to handle the study load Tanya had set for her. Now if only she didn’t have to check the common room every few hours to drag her former subordinate away from the T.V.
With Visha seated at the computer, Tanya navigated the window and set up several lessons for her friend to start off. Having a bit of free time herself and with most of her own projects stuck in the hurry up and wait phase of bureaucracy, Tanya decided to sit in on her friend’s lesson and help answer any questions she might have.
At least that had been the plan, until she was called away by the Matron.
~
Visha looked over her shoulder to make sure her commander was gone, before turning back to the computer and angrily began clicking on the options for what word best finished the sentence.
The little Кайфолом could have at least let her enjoy a bit of that funny morning show the other girls watched before sending her off to suffer.
Glancing over her shoulder again, Visha calculated if it was worth the risk to begin preoperational intelligence gathering now or if she should wait until she was sure Tanya wouldn’t be back for a while.
Deciding to risk it, she hung the “be right back” sign on the screen and raced to find Momo, she needed help setting up the early stages.
A few minutes later she returned with a confused Momo in tow. Using the web page Tanya had shown her, she typed out her plans and pressed enter. Looking at Momo as the girl read through the rough translation Visha hoped the gist of her message got across. She had seen the results when Momo had typed her a message in the past and the ‘Russian’ sentence that had been translated was… interesting to put it nicely.
Momo finished reading and tried out her English.
“You want try going shop time, no um, go shopping, yes?”
Visha shook her head at her friend’s efforts, the girl had supposedly studied this language for years, yet even Visha knew that her phrasing was all wrong.
“Yare yare, chotto chigau Momo-chan.”
Momo beamed a bright smile and gave Visha a thumbs up, praising her on her phrasing and pronunciation.
Visha just shook her head and directed her friend’s attention to the language program on the computer. Purposefully selecting a wrong answer, and after doing so a short character popped up and shook their hand back in forth negatively while repeating the phrase, “Yare yare, chotto chigau.”
Looking back up at Momo, Visha nearly perfectly mimicked the character’s voice and repeated the phrase again, much to Momo’s amusement.
“So, what are some places that would be good to go for shopping?”
Visha asked using a combination of her budding Japanese, the web translator, and English.
Momo hemmed and hawed for a bit before asking Visha to look up a few places on the computer. Visha, frustrated with how long it was taking her to type out the words, offered her seat to Momo so she could do it faster.
However, Momo got an awkward look on her face and with great difficulty explained that she was currently banned from using the computer.
Feeling confused but not questioning the declaration and picking up on Momo’s reluctance to explain more of the situation, Visha forged ahead with her search.
After quite some time later, the two had an extensive list of locations and activities that would be both in their budget and near enough to the shelter that they could get back in time.
Smiling to herself as she reopened her language assignment, Visha couldn’t wait to go shopping again with Tanya and, not to mention, try out this Ramen dish that Momo was so insistent she eat.
~
Tanya stepped into the Matrons office feeling just a small amount of trepidation in her heart. While she had done nothing wrong that should merit a reprimand, she still vividly recalled the stern warning she had received from using up all the printer paper without notifying anyone.
Nevertheless, she took the offered seat with her head held high, locking eyes with the matronly Matron. Waiting for the woman to speak, Tanya watched as the woman broke eye contact and shuffled some papers on her desk before interlocking her fingers and laying her hands before her on the desk.
“Miss Kaizaki, we need to talk about miss Yamamoto. As a general rule I don’t give out specific information on what our residents are currently struggling with. However, given the circumstances, I think this would work better for miss Yamamoto coming from you as her roommate and friend rather than me or her therapist lecturing her on her choices.”
“I’m confused, what is going on with Mo—Yamamoto?”
Tanya asked feeling a surprising amount of concern for the girl despite their short time together.
“Miss Yamamoto has been recently banned from using the computers or accessing the internet without supervision. Now, this is not to leave this room and you are not to tell anyone else about what I am about to reveal to you. Is that understood?”
“Sorry, but I cannot agree to that, there is a very high likelihood that I will need to inform miss Serebryakov of the information should I deem it necessary, especially if it concerns our comrade. However, I can assure you that I will not share said information with anyone else and can vouch for Serebryakov’s own discretion and trustworthiness. We are very familiar with the concept that loose lips sink ships, given our history.”
The Matron sighed at Tanya’s declaration, as if she had expected the answer, and in a slightly exasperated voice, she responded.
“Fine, but make sure this stays private. Miss Yamamoto was caught using the communal computer to log back into the webcam girl account she was using during the time she was held captive. Such an activity is strictly prohibited and thus was flagged by our system.”
“Why would she do such a thing?”
Tanya asked, very much confused at the behavior while trying to think of some excuse that would explain why Momo would try revisiting such a dark part of her own history.
“Miss Kaizaki, I have noticed that you are smart as well as mature for your age, but in reality, you are still very young. I have worked at this shelter and other ones like it for a long time now, and there are certain patterns you start to see after a while.”
The matron sighed and unfolded her hands, standing up, she moved over to a shelf that had a hot water maker and tea supplies, while she continued talking.
“Women and girls come to this shelter broken. It’s not always their fault, sometimes life just breaks them. However, being here doesn’t magically fix them and they almost always leave here still broken. At most, all we give them is a breath. Think about it, how long do you think the average resident stays, A week, a month, two? Now think about how long our lives are, what is a few weeks or months compared to years of damage.
“Your friend’s case is a common one, in fact I wasn’t even surprised when she got in trouble, she had all the warning signs. She felt like she was never wanted by her family or community, so she took the first opportunity to chase something else, someplace where she belonged. Even if that something was too good to be true. Then she finds herself in a terrible situation. So her mind tries desperately to find a silver lining, something to hold onto. Then she feels it, acceptance. The men who see her, the men who have her, they want her, they like her. On her webcam account she has fans, followers, supporters. As sick as it may sound, to miss Yamamoto it was probably one of the first times she felt like people wanted her around, they gave her attention. Sure, she must have known that what was happening to her was wrong and a bad thing, but the mind can do terrible things to us sometimes.
“Then she gets rescued and everything is looking better, but her family rejects her, and right and left the women and girls she felt a bond with and shared common traumas with suddenly leave to return home to their loving families. The incident happened shortly after miss Hakurei Reimu went home. She must have been feeling particularly lonely and forgotten. So, what did she do? She turned to the one place where she knew she was always wanted and would always be the center of attention.”
The Matron set down the cups of tea she had been preparing during her whole speech. Tanya could hear a familiar frustration in the Matrons voice as she spoke. It reminded her of when one of the older more experienced and competent workers would speak about problems in their department. Jaded, was the term, fed up with constant excuses from incompetent managers and coworkers, they saw the same mistakes get made over and over but lacked the power to change anything so they just stopped caring. The Matron sounded just as jaded as she described Momo’s situation.
“Sugar?”
Tanya was asked.
“No, thank you, I take it neat.”
After each of them had taken a sip of their tea, Tanya asked a question.
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“So, you think Yamamoto is what, relapsing, like an addict chasing that high?
Tanya didn’t mean to sound harsh or callous, she was genuinely curious and felt like the comparison might have merit, but noticed immediately how the Matron flinched at her words.
“Your observations might be more accurate than you realize miss Kaizaki.”
The Matron sighed again and looked away staring off into space, as she continued speaking.
“I had a sister, she was the reason I got into this line of work. I wanted to be a cop and bring justice to the people who hurt her. She got mixed up in this same sort of stuff, took forever for the family to get her out of it. Well, she got out of it and did well for a few years, then she got a bit older, couldn’t get a husband, after all who wants ‘that kind of woman’? Then she got tired of working hard, and remembered a time when money was easier to come by and men looked at her with desire, not disgust. That further ruined the family’s reputation, made it impossible for me to get married. Some time went by and the next I hear from her, she’s calling me to come arrest her drunk, abusive boyfriend. A few boyfriends later and we get the call that she’s dead, head cracked open by a bottle of soju. I transferred over to a caretaker position at a woman’s shelter after that, where I get to see that same story play out over and over again.”
“You need to help your friend out while you can. I know this may be a lot to ask of two broken young girls but… I’ve seen the type of broken girls that come through here. You two, you’re not one of them, you don’t belong here for the reasons they do. But you are welcome here, so stay as long as you need.”
“Thank you?”
“Don’t mention it, just make sure you take care of your friend. I know I made it sound grim but there are plenty of stories where the opposite is true and they turn their life around. I wouldn’t still be here if that wasn’t the case.”
Standing up, the Matron’s voice lost its jaded, melancholy tone and turned firm and forceful once more.
“Miss Kaizaki, regarding miss Yamamoto Momo I know this is a bit much to ask of a young girl but if you would please do me this favor. PLEASE DON’T ABANDON HER!”
Tanya was shocked as the normally stern and abrasive Matron, bowed low while pleading in a loud voice full of genuine care and concern.
Left with no choice but to agree, after all this woman could make the remainder of Tanya’s stay a living hell, not to mention influence the course of Visha’s immigration process. And that’s not even including Tanya’s own plans regarding Momo.
Tanya both nodded her head and verbally agreed to the request before taking her leave from the Matrons office. After thinking for a moment she decided to take a walk outside to clear her head and think about her next moves going forward.
~
Kana Hayashi smiled as the young girl closed the door behind her as she left. Childs play, she thought. These cold serious, responsible types were all the same. Acting so mature and tough all the time but when it came to those who they deemed “theirs,” well, the Matron figured that Momo girl would be dragged out of her darkness no matter how much she resisted. That little one wouldn’t allow one of “hers” to fall into the abyss.
Especially now that she had “begged” the girl to take on the responsibility. If there was anything she had learned about miss Kaizaki, it was that she took her responsibilities very seriously. Though she had to admit, even though she was sure she was right in that those two didn’t belong for the same reasons the other girls did, she still couldn’t figure out what it was exactly that had broken them.
Well, she supposed it didn’t matter, that Serebryakov girl seemed to be putting them both back together well enough.
Sitting back down at her desk, Kana opened a drawer and gazed at the picture of a lovely young woman there. Closing the drawer and cutting off her view of the picture, she gazed down at her Kintsugi teacup instead, tracing her fingers over the golden cracks.
~
Tanya was currently pacing the garden trying to think of what to do about Momo. She genuinely found the older girl’s actions baffling. She had her whole life ahead of her to make something of herself and here she was, actively trying to limit her future options, and for what? Did the girl crave attention so much that she would let it blind her to the future consequences?
How was Tanya supposed to deal with that? No, calm down Tanya, she told herself. There has to be more to this. Momo clearly felt ostracized in her hometown, but she jumped at the first opportunity to change her life, so she must have drive and a strong desire to improve her situation. I just need to motivate her in the right direction.
As for the rest, well she was no phycologist but clearly Momo was suffering from abandonment, and would likely need to feel like she not only belonged but that she was wanted and, more importantly, needed. That was the key, need.
Tanya had delt with suicidal soldiers before, and rather than telling them of their odds of survival or of rewards or recognition, often it simply came down to reminding them that if they took themselves out then it left a hole in the ranks, a vulnerability that their comrades had to cover for. She had seen wounded men beg to return to the front lines, not wanting to leave their mates in a lurch. Tanya never got the sentiment; she would have killed for a Heimatschuss during her time on the Rhine.
Kicking a stone on the walkway, Tanya followed after it continuing to kick it down the path as she thought, zig zagging back and forth as her path mimicked that of the stone she was kicking. Stopping near the residence and deciding her thoughts were just going in circles she made plans to get Visha’s thoughts on the matter, and maybe even seek the opinion of a professional.
Making her way inside and checking the T.V. room she was surprised not to find Visha there playing hooky. Well maybe her fledgling former subordinate finally was taking her lessons seriously and decided to be more studious rather than waste her time on superfluous things.
Deciding not to head to the computer room to check on her, lest she distract her friend from her studies, Tanya instead made her way to the kitchen. Planning on following her doctor’s orders to increase her daily food intake.
Tanya was in the middle of chewing through a cucumber when she was notified that her grandmother was on the phone and waiting for her.
Moments later Tanya was holding the phone a small distance from her ear as her grandmother loudly gushed about how sorry she was that they couldn’t come see her today and so on. Reassuring the woman that it was ok, she waited for the woman to specify the reason for her call. None came.
It took Tanya just a little too long to realize that her grandmother had just called because she wished to talk with her. So, Tanya shared what she had eaten that day and a little about her morning routine.
It was around this time that Visha showed up and signaled a question to Tanya asking who she was talking to.
Tanya simply pulled the headset away from her ear a bit and angled it towards Visha. Listening to the voice Visha showed a happy smile and a mischievous look entered her eye that Tanya didn’t like the look of, but she was soon distracted by a question from her grandma.
“Would it be ok if we came for another visit tomorrow Tanya dear? Grandpa and I were hoping we could take you and Ser—Visha to lunch. Grandpa says you girls are usually expected to plan your own lunch, is that correct?”
“Yes Grandma, that is correct. Lunch sounds wonderful, let me go check my schedule for tomorrow and I’ll call you back…”
Tanya had been about to hang up the phone when Visha began franticly waving her arms and motioning to hand the phone over to her.
“Wait, Visha says she wants to talk to you while I go check, I’ll be right back here she is.”
Tanya handed Visha the phone and walked away in search of a caretaker, feeling very confused. She soon found herself picking up the pace as she felt the hairs at the back of her neck begin to tingle.
~
“Hello Madam, it’s Visha, I wanted to talk to you about our outing.”
Visha introduced herself politely before moving on to the heart of the matter, she only had so much time before Tanya came back after all. But then she ran into an unexpected problem.
“Visha? Sumimasen, Eigo wa hanasemasen, Chotto mattete, danna o yonde kuru ne.”
Visha heard the sound of the receiver on the other end of the line get set down with a soft thunk before hearing what could only be described as a shrill call in Japanese. Visha didn’t need a translator to understand what was happening. She had heard that same call many times at home coming from her own mother, whenever someone came to their door that her mother didn’t wish to deal with.
Moments later the receiver was picked back up and in English Tanya’s grandfather answered her.
“Miss Serebryakov, to what do we owe the pleasure?”
It took her a moment to parse out the meaning but as soon as she recognized it as a general greeting she moved on, lacking the time to decode the rest.
“Is Grandma there? I need to talk to her but she doesn’t understand me can you translate for us, please is very important.”
She asked.
“Yes of course, what do you want to ask her?”
“Tomorrow you are coming, yes?”
“Yes, that is the plan.”
“Good, you ask grandma if she want to go shopping, please?”
Visha waited a moment for Tanya’s grandfather to translate for her. She knew she was butchering her English and normally she was much better than this but she was in a hurry and was letting both her accent and many of the words slip.
Finally, the grandfather got back on the phone.
“Yes, she would be delighted to go shopping with the two of you.”
“Good, I have a list, I will email to her, give me email address please?”
Visha wrote down the given email address, not realizing it was in fact Seiji’s.
“Excellent, it seems like we have some more time, I need to explain something to you two a little more. It’s about Tanya. Tanya she isn’t like most other girls, she doesn’t like girly things, wait that’s not right, give me a moment to explain better. Tanya did not grow up used to girly things, she lacks experience with it. Do you understand?”
It took a moment for Tanya’s grandfather to respond but when he did, he seemed to understand what Visha had been getting at.
“You are saying that because she didn’t grow up with a lot of girlish possessions, she acts more like a boy and isn’t comfortable around feminine things?”
“Yes this, she doesn’t like dresses and gets embarrassed when people call her cute or pretty. She doesn’t like fem—feminine? Feminine things, but I am sure if we act with care and move slowly, we can trap her—convince her that these things are good and ok.”
“I think a lot might be getting lost in translation but I understand you well enough. I’ll let Grandma know and I promise to make her take it easy.”
“Good, good, you are good grandparents for taking care of her and accepting her so quickly. She didn’t show it with you but she was very happy when you complemented her and welcomed her. Tanya has lived a sad, lonely life, she had to take responsibility for too much when she was young. Thank you for making her backpack lighter.”
“It’s burden not backpack, burden often refers to the metaphorical weight someone feels, while a backpack is a form of luggage carrier, oh I’ve done it again. Sorry, I thank you for your words and insight…”
Just then Tanya stepped back into the office, nearly out of breath with a worried look on her face. Visha’s time on the phone ended shortly after that. But she stuck around to learn that they would be meeting up with Tanya’s grandparents tomorrow morning sometime after breakfast.
With her mission accomplished Visha went back to the computer to send off a very important email with a list of locations. Operation Automatic Doors was a go, and Visha couldn’t wait to see the look on her friend’s face.
~
Tanya had been planning to reward her friend for all the hard work she had been putting in to learning the language. And now she had just received the permission to put that plan into effect. Since it was nearing lunch time Tanya made her way to the computer room to grab Visha for her surprise. Tanya couldn’t wait to see the look on her friend’s face.
~
“A café!”
“Yep.”
“Wow! A real café, it looks so nice, and look here they even have fancy French pastries on display in the window.”
“Well, don’t just stand there Visha, let’s go in.”
Stepping up to the counter Tanya ordered for both of them after asking what Visha wanted. After making their order, the two made their way to a small table in a corner by a window and sat down.
It was a nice moment and rather than talk about anything deep, they just shared some funny stories and simple commentary between the two of them with Visha often trying out her Japanese at Tanya’s encouragement.
Their food and drinks arrived and they quieted down as they enjoyed their treats.
Tanya had ordered a cup of warmed cold brew coffee and was pleased that during the warming process the subtle sweetness, and bold flavor of the cold brew had not been ruined by the hands of an amateur barista. Visha, after walking in, had been mesmerized by the flashy graphics of an advertisement featuring the special seasonal drink of peppermint mocha and had thus ordered it. Tanya couldn’t complain, technically her warmed cold brew was on the seasonal list as well.
To go with their drinks Tanya had ordered a few sandwiches and no less than four desserts. Doctor’s orders after all, she needed to increase her calorie intake.
After taking a bite of food, Tanya washed it down with a sip of the savory brew, feeling a gentle warmth fill her stomach. Watching the pure smile and bright eyes of her best friend as she enjoyed her own food and drink, Tanya felt a gentle warmth fill her heart as well.
Hiding her own smile behind her cup, she resolved not to mention the bit of whipped cream that was currently adorning her friend’s cheek.
Taking another sip and a bite of rich dark chocolate cake, Tanya leaned back and looked up at the ceiling.
Ahh! This is the life, she thought.
~
Chapter 23 Glossary.
Dulce et Amarum
"Dulce et amarum" is a Latin phrase that translates to "sweet and bitter". It is often used to describe experiences that contain both pleasurable and painful elements, such as love, nostalgia, or life experiences.
"Кайфолом" (kaifolom) translates to buzzkill, party pooper, joykiller, or fun police. It describes a person or situation that ruins, spoils, or breaks someone's enjoyment, pleasure, or good mood. It can also mean "too lazy" or feeling unmotivated to do something fun.
"Yare yare, chotto chigau" (やれやれ、ちょっと違う) roughly translates to "Good grief, [that's] a bit different" or "Well, well, that's not quite right."
("golden joinery") is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery using lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum, highlighting rather than hiding flaws. It reflects the philosophy of wabi-sabi, embracing imperfection, impermanence, and the history of an object. This technique transforms damaged, cherished items into more beautiful, unique, and resilient pieces.
"Heimatschuss" is a German colloquial military term (slang) for a non-fatal, relatively light wound that is severe enough to warrant a soldier's discharge or return home from the front. It implies a "lucky" injury that secures a safe return, often referenced in historical, medical, or dramatic contexts.
