In which I take fighting lessons from Grampire

  While I wait for Grampire to wake up, I nervous-clean her filthy backyard.

  I woke up near noon with a viciously sore stomach and a huge sense of dread. I don’t know what fighting lessons from a vampire will look like, but I really don’t want to find out. I’ve replayed last night’s fight in my mind over and over. How Grampire rubbed her back and slowed at the end, but didn’t even get serious until he pulled out the silver knife. And she wasn’t afraid for herself but for me! Grampire is frighteningly strong and I’m just…me. I took one hit and almost died. Training is gonna suck.

  I’m depressed, so I’ve decided to tackle the backyard. There’s an ancient wrap-around porch that’s in decent condition besides a few holes, so I’m sure I can repair it. I’m not particularly handy, but YouTube can teach me anything, right? If I can just clear out all the debris from an acceptable area, maybe it’ll be less wild jungle and more moderately-livable-entertainment-space. While I cart a rusted bicycle to the junk pile I’ve started, I go over an emergency checklist in my mind. We desperately need some running water in this place, plus some kind of bathroom. Grampire has an outhouse and let’s just say…I do not enjoy pre-21st century living. Grampire also doesn’t have electricity, but that’s low on the repair list. I can see fine in the dark and I’m assuming vampires can too, so we’ll just have to deal with it.

  The next problem is food. There are plenty of rabbits and squirrels in Grampire’s massive yard, but I hate hunting the poor things. Plus, it gets old. I want pizza and ice cream and those really good Cuban sandwiches from the deli shop in town. That gets me thinking about how we’d all go together sometimes, and how Uncle Alder loved the same kind I did and sometimes he would actually smile at me instead of glaring. I rub the back of my neck uneasily. The scab has come off where he bit me, but my fingers run over a series of raised bumps. His teeth left a scar.

  Now I’m extra depressed. I lie down on my back and look into the blue sky. It’s hot, the bugs screaming from the nearby forest, the wind wafting clean air into my nose. It’s a perfect summer day, except that I’m a lone wolf and homeless and this yard sucks and I have to go to the bathroom in an outhouse like it’s the 1700s. I don’t know if things could get any worse.

  The hair on my arms lift and I stiffen. I’m not a wolf right now, but the body still knows. I wait a few fearful seconds, frozen, and Grampire’s head fills my field of vision. She’s unsmiling, as always.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  I should lie, but I can’t bring myself to do it. “Being depressed.”

  “You’ll sleep it off.”

  I grimace at the sky. I should have lied.

  “Anyway, do your moping inside. Horrible weather out here.”

  Grampire squints and it hits me—the sun. She shouldn’t even be out here when the sun is still up. She’s not burning up in a cloud of fire, though. What kind of vampire is she?

  I sit up and Grampire starts inside, but stops halfway in. She looks at my trash pile, frowning. “You did this?”

  “Yeah…is that okay? I wanted to at least clear the area around the porch. When it’s clean, we can sit outside together!”

  This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  Grampire stares at the pile for a beat longer, then grunts. “Fine. But for now, I gotta learn you how to fight. Come on, I ain’t got all day.”

  I sigh and get to my feet. I was wrong. Things can always get worse.

  ~

  Grampire sits in her dusty armchair and I sit cross legged at her feet. It feels a bit like being in kindergarten again, but a horrible, evil version.

  Grampire steeples her hands. “Let’s review. The fight with Jerry was pathetic.”

  “I know.” I try to sound aloof, but I know I’m whining. “But I don’t know what I could have done differently.”

  “Changed into a form that has sharp teeth, for starters.”

  “I don’t have any more clothes—”

  “Having some self-preservation instincts could have helped too,” Grampire growls over me. “First lesson: don’t blab and give a reason for your opponent to want to kill you.”

  I say nothing, sulking. Okay, that was my bad, but how should I know the Wizard had precious hydrangeas in his garden? And I’m still really sorry about it! I almost couldn’t sleep thinking about that poor old man replanting his ruined garden all by himself.

  Grampire straightens and folds her arms. She seems a little more tired today, despite sleeping for a really long time. Like eighteen hours? I slept a lot too, but I was hurt and needed time to heal. Grampire doesn’t have a scratch on her. Maybe the fight took more out of her than I thought.

  “Alright, let’s work with what we got.” Grampire frowns at her dirty crocs, one missing a safety strap. “Maybe we should work on turning your venom into poison. Poison is a safe bet, especially against the supernatural.”

  I frown. “What venom?”

  Grampire looks at me like I’m an idiot. “You got venom, don’t you? All the pups do.”

  “Umm…no? I’m not a snake.”

  Grampire stares at me for a long time. “Werewolves can turn humans into more werewolves, right? You some kind of rare breed that can’t?”

  Oh, I know what she means. “Yes, we can, but I can’t do that. Not yet, anyway. I’m not old enough.”

  Grampire stares blankly at me so I hurry to continue.

  “We can only turn people once we’re adults, so like around twenty. And we can’t turn just any human. It’s a special process, and you can only do it under a full moon. It’s reserved for humans you’re really close to. Usually, we only turn people who we want to marry.”

  Grampire blinks at me slowly. “You’re telling me your venom only works when you’re lovesick?”

  “And old enough, and under a full moon, yes.”

  Grampire closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose with her thumb and pointer finger. She mutters, “I can’t fucking believe this.”

  “Sorry…” I don’t know what else I can say. Even if I was older and did have the ability to change humans, I don’t think that and vampire venom are the same. I remember the grass sizzling when Grampire spit on it, and I’ve never seen a wolf do that.

  Grampire seems to be thinking the same. She opens her eyes and straightens up again. “Okay, tell me some werewolf strengths. I know better than to assume now.”

  “Umm…we can bite stuff? And we’re excellent communicators.”

  Grampire looks like she wants to hiss at me, but refrains. “Anything else?”

  “Anything a wolf can do, we can, of course. But the biggest strength is numbers, and…” My shoulders droop all on their own, irritating my sore stomach. A lone wolf has no power. All the strength is in the pack, and they’ve made it clear that strength is no longer mine.

  Grampire nods seriously. “I get it. You think no pack, no power. But that’s not true.”

  “It feels true.”

  “Feelings ain’t facts.” Grampire clears her throat. “Have you ever been in a fight? Jerry don’t count.”

  I shake my head. “Never. Not even with humans. Like I said, we’re excellent communicators. We usually talk out what’s wrong.” I rub the back of my neck again. Emphasis on usually.

  “I gotta train a damn pacifist,” Grampire mutters. Louder, she says, “Let me work on something for a bit. Go back out and play or whatever kids do. Be back at nightfall.”

  I frown suspiciously. “What’re you working on?”

  Grampire smiles for the first time all day. Her smile is jagged and wide, and my body trembles with a rush of fear. “You’ll see. Now go on! Lotta work to do.”

  I stand uncertainly, but Grampire waves me away. I leave the house and listen to her muffled swearing and moving furniture in the house. Once again, I’m feeling like this situation is rapidly getting worse.

  My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out, surprised. It only has 23% battery left. Fern’s name pops up on my screen.

  Fern: Can you meet me by the woods? I have news.

  I put my phone away. Maybe my luck won’t be as bad as I’m thinking.

  I pick my way through Grampire’s garbage dump, and head toward my former territory.