PART TWO o – the Bad Thing

  "You're one of the toughest girls I ever met. Light? Tough, that's boys or girls. It isn't about who's the tallest, the strongest. Its about what you can take, and not fall apart. You? Someone drops a nuclear bomb on Swellsville? You'd be the only one crawling out of the wreckage a week ter, without food and water. I'm… kind of in awe about you."

  "Hurry? You… aren't what I expected."

  "How?"

  "I thought… you were shy, unsure about boys. Wanted to be… bad girl lessons. You're bold. You're strong. Not just physically, either. And you, Wizzy. You come off if someone doesn't know you, as… you know how. Then? You're the original tough guy. And still very sweet. You guys? Are both… kind of scary, but very sweet and safe at the same time. I feel like I should be scared of both of you? But… you make me feel warm and safe. And… people I'm not scared of? I think sometimes, I need to be."

  I let him go next.

  "So. Little Lightning. Now that I got you dressed, in what I think is one of your sexiest outfits. Where… do you want to go. Second date. I begged you, and you finally gave in and said yes."

  "Hurry? I'm supposed to be taking… good girl lessons. You're a good girl. How am I doing."

  "Wonderful. Me and Wiz? We agreed to meet at a party, and hit it off. Kind of like you did. If you're wondering about our second date…"

  "Yeah… I wanna do it, like you did."

  "We met at the cafe. Not the coffeehouse. The pce with all the side dishes."

  "Yeah."

  "My girlfriend works there. I… get all the side dishes I want, when its busy. No main courses. You guys, have a couple hours to get there, and… Light? Won't cost a dime. He won't be spending a nickel on you."

  "Hmm. Then what am I learning."

  "Well. I can't expect you to confront every phobia in one day, like throwing a person that can't swim into the deep end. That's a retarded thing to do. One phobia at a time."

  "Well… if he's not buying me… then…"

  "Car?"

  She didn't go white, but she closed her eyes and swallowed a lump in her throat. She whispered when her eyes were coming open.

  "You said you'd… chaperon."

  "Light? Are you scared to be alone with him?"

  "No. He makes me feel safe. And… he comes with… air bags."

  "Yes. He does. If… he drove you down the hill to town, and a few blocks to the side dishes. What is it, realistically, you think will happen to you? You'll get food."

  "I'm scared."

  "I know. Do you think you can do it?"

  Little voice.

  "Maybe."

  "Light? Let's see if you can sit in the car. Without the car moving. Just sit in it. Okay?"

  We went out, and I unlocked the car. I kept the keys, and showed her I had them.

  "See if you can sit in the passenger seat, Light. I have the keys. Car's not moving without them."

  She was positively terrified to get in the car, by herself. I could see her heart beating out of her chest, and she was sweating. It took her a while to calm down some. When she said he could maybe try to get in the driver's seat, his hand barely opened the door and cracked it, and she jumped in her seat. He froze.

  "Light? You okay."

  She ughed nervous.

  "No."

  It took ten whole minutes to get him oozed into the driver's seat, and she was clutching onto anything to hold onto for dear life. I had to go around to her window, and touch her, and rattle the keys so she knew the car couldn't move. It took another fifteen minutes, to get the door lightly closed. If he smmed it, she might have a heart attack. I felt her neck. Christ. She was trying to breathe deep and slow, and it wasn't working. She might hyperventite any second. She started breathing like a childbirth css. Little panting.

  I got him out of the driver's seat, and handed her the keys.

  "Light? You turn the key. The car will start."

  She could do that. When we tried him getting in slowly, she went away. She held onto things, and froze. This wasn't flop, this was freeze. Like when Bootsie tried to corner her and make her be touched. This was the same reaction. If she kept her eyes closed, he could sit in the car with it running. The door closing gently, made her jump horribly.

  She panted, and childbirth panted… then went back to sweating and holding on, and freezing. She wouldn't open her eyes for anything.

  "We don't have to do this, honey."

  "Can… he just drive around the parking lot? Wizzy, you promise me, you won't just… take off?"

  "Light? I won’t leave sight of Hurry. If you open your eyes, I can point to her. I won't even use the whole parking lot."

  "Just fucking do it already."

  She froze, she clenched her eyes shut. She panted. She went white. Sweat poured off her forehead. He just made a three point turn and reversed back into the same stall.

  "Take a peek honey."

  She covered her face, and peeked out of her fingers, and saw me standing on the other side of the car, because all he did was turn around and back into the same stall.

  "Do it again."

  He did the same thing, and when she peeked… I was there at her window again. Predictably.

  "Again."

  She knew which window I would be at.

  "Again."

  I was back on her side.

  "Park at Lida's townhouse."

  "If you're sure."

  "Hell no, I'm not sure. Do it anyways."

  He drove the number of stalls down to park at Lida's townhouse. She could peek out of her fingers and I waved at her from down the way. She hid her face for the return "trip", and when she peeked again, I was standing there.

  She started breathing a little deeper. She wasn't as white.

  They did this a lot. She got used to looking around and seeing where I was. When she got back from her "trips", she was starting to smile. Nervous smile and ughter, but it was better. She wanted to try a longer trip. He took her to the next townhouse row over. When she got back, she excitedly told me all about it. How she was scared to peek because she knew I wouldn't be there, but he showed her the hot tub up in the distance. That was like seeing me, some kind of substitute home base, that was safe. When she opened her fingers and peeked again, there I was.

  He did this more, and as long as he didn't park in any of the boy's townhouse athletic rows, she was fine. This took over an hour, and now she thought maybe she could go to get food. I called my friend, and she knows who Wiz is and has seen me with Lightning before. Wiz has money on him just in case, but she said they were busy, it was fine. I told her to call when they got there.

  Light called me all excited when she got out at the pce, she was about to go in. Reminded me of a toddler all excited to go for a car ride, just down the street to visit the neighbors. She called me from the table, she called me from the bathroom. She called me on the ride back after a long time there, enjoying the fruits of her bor. Which for her, was considerable. She asked if it was okay she kept her eyes shut and hid her face in her hands, I told her it was fine as long as she was going to be okay. We could work on opening eyes ter. After all, she doesn't hide her face when me or even the coach drives her somewhere.

  I had been watching TV, and decided it would be best if I was there when she peeked in our parking stall out front. She was all excited, it reminded me of a little kid's first trip to the mall or something simir to that situation. She came in, and was dancing around. She asked me if she was in trouble, because she kissed Wizzy there. I told her that was fine. She needed a shower. She was covered in dried, nervous sweat. The pungent kind, that smells of nervousness and fear. I let him give her a quick shower, and run her clothes through the washer.

  She id on my bed like a little 14 year old girl. In a fresh pair of white cotton panties and her big sleeping T shirt. In between me and him. Still excited, talking about her big adventure. Her fingers either ced behind her head, or excitedly talking with her hands and gesticuting. Every detail. What she ate, why she wanted it. What was her favorite. Her long legs and feet moved, again like a little girl can't sit still, ants in her pants.

  When she made out standing outside before she left, she admitted to me that she kissed him "like I would have", and it was exciting and different. And? She felt silly doing it like that, but she didn't think I was silly for doing it that way. She didn't want me to think she was making fun of me, it was just different for her.

  When she calmed down some, her legs and feet kept dancing but she quieted down a bit. Then, she rolled over and hugged me for all she was worth. Thanked me, and rolled back. Calmer now, she asked how she did.

  "You did wonderful dear."

  "Really? I know I'm a spaz about this."

  He spoke.

  "Lightning? I thought you were very brave. You were more scared than a person has a right to be scared? And you did it. Reminds me of my first bar fight, with the MP's. I was like, oh shit, here we go. This? Is not good."

  "Hmm. How did that go, Wizzy."

  "Well. It went scary. A bunch of big drunk guys. Razzing a couple of the boys. There's… tension in the air. You just know shit's about to go down, long before it starts. The looks. The gnces. The comments. You can just tell something ain't right. You know its coming."

  "You guys didn't leave?"

  "That's just it. MP's even off duty? You can't let people see you turn tail and run. Lose all respect for all the MP's. Even if you get the shit kicked out of you? They have to stay. Sucks, actually. Honey? I can fight, and I'm telling you that running is smarter than standing there. But? We couldn't."

  "Wow. How did it go?"

  "Well. I'd been… practicing fighting for a long time with them. That was my first time in a free for all like that. I was scared shit-less. Then butterflies. Then… once it got going, it really wasn't that bad."

  "A free for all bar fight, with… real Army tough guys all around, and it wasn't that bad?"

  "Aw. I was used to fighting practice with the MP's and the instructors all the time by that point. As it turns out? All those big, scary drunk guys?"

  "Yeah…"

  "Really ain't that tough. They're mostly slow. They throw punches like… little kids on the pyground. They have beer muscles. The big guys? Are either tall fat guys, or… all show and no go guys that lift weights, and never learned how to actually fight. Honestly, the toughest guy there? Was this little guy, motherfucker boxed or something. Little son of a bitch was quick."

  "Oh. He got you, huh?"

  "A few times. Boxer, though. I got him off his feet, he flopped around like a fish out of water. It was weird. When it was over, we left… all those big, scary guys I was scared and nervous of, my whole life growing up?"

  "Yeah."

  "Bunch of pussies, if you know how to fight."

  "Was still exciting though, right?"

  "Yeah. The first time, is scary and exciting. Then? It gets old. Its just the same guys, all over again. Not the same guys, but…"

  "I know what you mean. Like a different game. Different team, but… same thing all over."

  "Yeah. You know what the thing about fighting, I mean being able to fight, really is?"

  "What…"

  "You would think, that being a… tough guy or whatever, would keep people from messing with you. I mean, the MP's? Everyone knows what they are. Not a good idea."

  "Why then?"

  "People knowing you're supposed to be a fighter? They want to try it. Hey, I was in a fight with… they come looking for it. See if they can do it. Out to impress everyone. They want to make a name for themselves. So, ironically? Being able to fight? In a way, causes more problems than it stops. I get in less fights, being Toot. Than I ever did, being… the guy that ran with the MP's. People just wanna bark at Toot. He tells them the retarded shit they wanna hear, and it passes. With the MP's? Everyone knew, and they insist on trying it."

  "You like being Toot better? Than the MP guy. Cute Latinas buying you drinks."

  "Yeah, Light. Had it different ways, and I like Toot best."

  "Wow. Lots of me in there."

  "How?"

  "Well. I was scared of my… bar fight. My big ride, my car date. On the way back? It was better. My next time, I won't be half as scared."

  "Well, that's good."

  "That's great. And, now you got me thinking…"

  "About what, hun."

  "Well. I started out one way. I turned into… not good. Now? I'm supposed to be some kind of… legendary bad girl or some stupid shit. Hurry? Asking me advice, on boys. Like I'm the expert. I'm lucky I figured out a way to spend time with some. I'm not really a bad girl. I'm a hot goddamn mess, is what I am. I made it to… wherever I'm at. Now? I'm wondering what its like to be… like Hurry is. One guy a year. Serious, not a fuck-buddy. You? Changed and got to see how the other half lives, and came back. Turned out you liked what you started as, better in a lot of ways. I wonder if I'll make it to be… a nice girl. Like Hurry is. And… what I'll decide is better."

  "Only you know that, Light. I can tell you this, though."

  "What…"

  "I'm… started out… A. Became B. What you see now? Its A plus B. You see A, if you don't know me. B's there. Only if you really know me. Now, its out and I'm managing it. I wouldn't want people knowing I'm the… MP guy. But, since I've been Toot for 2 years? Its okay, I guess. You… might end up a healthy mix of all the things you've tried and been."

  "Well. I know I don't want any of… you know what in there. I didn't like being the town garbage can."

  "No. You didn't. But… lots of girls insist. I can wear what I want. I can go where I want. That's the w. Watch me. You? Know what's out there."

  "Hmm. I still wear a wham bam and a get lucky. I need my head examined, by someone better qualified than Hurry here. I'm a fucking hot mess."

  "Yeah. You wear that dress. But… you go to the party where you know people. You avoid that townhouse where the girls all… join the kitchen table club. You know better. When you went to the bar? You went with a pack of girls. You girls make sure no one strays, and you know where they end up if they do. You're streetwise about it."

  "I guess."

  Her legs and feet kept lightly and slowly rolling. Like a 14 year old girl, all nervous energy.

  "So. I did good, Hurry?"

  "Yeah."

  "Am… I allowed, to…"

  "What, hun."

  "Can, I switch pces with Wizzy?"

  "If you wanna y on that side, ask him. I doubt he'd mind."

  "Oh. I meant… can I, you know. Put Wizzy. In the middle."

  "Oh."

  "Yeah. That oh."

  "Wizzy? I think Lightning wants you to… notice her."

  "There was some guy at the side dish pce. He kept looking at me. I could tell. Wizzy made him quit."

  "Oh. I didn't know you had trouble."

  "Not like that. I saw Wizzy notice. He just smiled over at the guy, and the next time he looked? He quit."

  "How did that feel, dear."

  "Weird. I mean, I like being checked out. But. Look at my outfit I was in. I was in a cold shower, not a wham bam and a get lucky. He was still staring. Then? I liked it, but… I was with Wizzy. Then? He made the guy quit staring, without even trying. That? Felt good."

  "Why, dear."

  "Well. I was with him. Other guys, let people look at me. Say stuff. He didn't. He made me feel… safe. And nice. You're not allowed to call me a whore, when I'm with Wizzy. Even my Army ex. Mister you're a whore, you're a whore. Wizzy made him quit, at the party. Did I tell you he texted me?"

  "No. How did that go. He can't say it, so he texted it I guess."

  "Uh uh. He apologized. Said he was sorry, for making fun of me. I didn't really do anything. It was his fault, for hearing stuff. Like that."

  "You liked that?"

  "It was okay. I guess. But, its not like it counts. Not for real."

  "How's that?"

  "Well, duh. Does it count if a boy says he likes you, if someone had to make him say it? Nope. Same thing. It wasn't his idea to be sorry. If Wizzy hadn't… talked to him, and let people think I was his girlfriend? Same shit would be going on. I mean, its still better this way. Not like I like hearing it."

  "Think he'll try to make up with you?"

  "Apologizing is… okay. I don't want a hassle. But no. I'll be happier when he starts… mixing, with the soccer girls, and all that."

  "Why."

  "Duh. Then? He can find out what a whore really is. Like me and you don't both know how that game's gonna go."

  "And how's that. Other than the obvious."

  "Duh. Those girls don't count. You're the only reason girls on the team started being nice to me. Then, I py. Yeah. But… just like it doesn't count when you have to make a boy say he likes you? Very few of those girls… count. But now? Ha. They, get to fight over my scraps. When I have to hear about the mixer? I'll just be like… yeah, that's nice. Been there. Done that. That one? Will put it in your bum. Whatever. Hope you like being called a… serving wench."

  "You're not going to the barracks girls soccer mixers?"

  "For what? I'm not interested in fucking my way through the barracks. I'm not one of his… uniform girls like he whines about."

  "What about Right?"

  "Oh. I had a word. She's not real interested in that either. The mixers, or… going through the barracks like a smoker going through a pack of smokes. Even she ughed. Now? Those bitches can fight over her scraps, too. Been there, done that. Have fun."

  "You girls aren't going to any of those mixers at all?"

  "Well, I'm going but I'm not staying te. I wanna go like you go a lot of times. Go. Say hello and goodbye. Come home. I want pig roast though, just not staying and watching the hookups. I'll hear all about it the next day anyways. Not like I'm missing anything."

  "But… boys, dear."

  "Oh. I had a football pyer. I had a wrestler. I had a swim team guy. Did you notice, I started finding other guys after those?"

  "Hmm. You don't know what you want, and that's normal. But, you're starting to see, I think, what you don't want. And I think? That's a sign you're… don't take this the wrong way, hun. Growing up."

  "Wow. I didn't realize, until you said it. It hurt, but… you were right. Once I saw it, what you said? I couldn't not see it. I'm okay with it now. I mean, I don't like it, don't get me wrong, but… I mean, I'm still a hot mess, I know that much. But… at least I know why. What and how. Its like… knowing you can't eat sugar. Before you know you got sugar? You wonder why you get tired, you wonder why you feel funny when you eat too much. Once you know though, at least you know. You know to watch it. You have some idea, how to fix it."

  "You know, honey."

  "What?"

  "You could… grow. Emotionally. At any rate. It might be… a year every year. You might grow two years the first year. You never know."

  "Wow. That, would be… like… so cool."

  "I know."

  "How do you put up with me? It must be like… I would feel, having to baby sit a 10 year old."

  "Well. Any 10 year old? Would be a pain in your ass. But… if it was your little sister, and you loved her. It would be different, right?"

  "Oh. Yeah…"

  "Well? You're like my little sister. You don't annoy me. Not really. When you do better? Like today. I feel ten feet tall. You went on a real car date honey. Now, just don't run out and go on car dates with bad-boy retards, and I'll be twenty feel tall."

  "Oh. I won't. Hey!"

  "What."

  "You said, you feel good. Because you made me feel good."

  "Yes, dear."

  She hugged me.

  "That means you love me. You told me that."

  "Yes. It does mean I love you. Like a sister."

  "Wow. I'd say I wish I had a sister? But… would of just been someone else for… you know."

  "I know what you mean."

  "That's love too, huh?"

  "What."

  "When… you love someone. When they hurt? You hurt."

  "Yep."

  "Then… I'm gd I didn't have a sister. It would have hurt more, to see her get hurt. She'd of been younger than me, would of been worse on her. And, her big sister would of been the town garbage can. That would have sucked for her."

  "You're unstuck, dear. I can hear it."

  "What do you mean."

  "You got over your phobia. You went on a real date. And I can hear it in how you're talking. You're… questioning things. Analyzing things. Figuring things out. I told you. Once you let it out, and let someone in, that you trust? You start to grow again. You're not stuck. Like a CD pyer, that skips. Its bumped, the song can finish now."

  "Wow."

  "Are you happy?"

  "Best feeling in the world."

  "Great."

  "Hurry?"

  "Yes, dear."

  "Can… Wizzy go in the middle now?"

  She giggled.

  "Honey? Would you please notice her?"

  "I'm noticing you, Lightning. Trust me."

  "Don't you have to be in the middle?"

  "I don't think so. No w says so. Unless Hurry says so."

  "Hmm. Well… what are we allowed to do then?"

  "No home runs."

  "I know. I have to wait for the third date. I wanna wait. I wish there was something we could do, before… bases."

  "Like what?"

  "Anything."

  I had to give them ideas.