Chapter 9

  Being a Bean Town private eye ain't always what it's cracked up to be. What with all the organized crime and all, it's rare to find myself on the right side of the law. It's more often I was tasked with playing the part of the rat for one crime family over another. Hardly a day went by when I wasn't stalking some crime boss' dame to catch her in the sack with the enemy.

  It's dirty work, and you had to wade through the shit to find a real diamond... Wait, did that analogy make sense? Why would there be diamonds in shit? Maybe if a person swallowed a diamond ring and had to digest it? It was a trope that I'd seen all the time in movies and television, so sure... We'd go with wading through shit to find a diamond.

  Where was I?

  Oh right!

  Out of all of the P.I. offices in Boston, she had to walk into mine. Curves in all the right places, legs that went on for miles, other generic chauvinistic observations, she had it all. It was all I could do to keep my tongue from doing that thing they copied in The Mask where my jaw dropped and my tongue rolled out like a red carpet while I howled like a wolf. That was to say, this dame was hot stuff. She didn't have a single flaw, from the tip of her toes all the way to her... Tentacle hair? And red eyes... Sharp teeth... Bluish-grey skin...

  "Oh! Are you doing that internal monologue thing?" Her voice punched me in the heart, forcing my pulse to race faster than one of those Umamusume horse racing girls.

  "Huh?" Her enthusiasm caught me off guard as much as her ability to break the fourth wall like a pro. I'd have been jealous if I wasn't so impressed. "Knock yourself out."

  "Out of all of the..."

  "I did that cliche already." I felt bad cutting her off, but I didn't want her to do a better job with the cliche than me.

  "Did you do the legs for miles thing, honey?" She asked with her angelic voice.

  "Yeah, I'd actually gotten pretty far in the monologue." I blushed. I wasn't sure if I was embarrassed, or smitten. She called me honey!

  "I could tell right away, she was trouble?" She paused to see my reaction. When I didn't stop her, she continued. "In all my years on the job, I knew trouble when I saw it. Still, I wouldn't mind rolling around in the sheets with her, no matter how much trouble she'd bring."

  "You're making me out to be a pervert!" I objected while blushing. She wasn't wrong, but some things were best saved for internal monologues.

  It took a moment before I realized she was already sitting in the leather chair in front of the desk, and I was sitting on the edge of the desk looking into her captivating red eyes. Since I opened the door, everything was a blur. Some sort of notification popped up, but I ignored it, I would have to check my journal later to see what it was. She was just so charming.

  Oh...

  "I'm impressed. Most men take much longer to shake off my charm." She met me with a smug grin. She flashed her teeth which looked very similar to shark teeth.

  The events between opening the door and this moment immediately came into question. I clearly remembered her playing along with my internal monologue, but did that really happen? Or was that just an effect of her charm making her appear like the ideal woman in my eyes?

  Then again, maybe everything happened just as I remembered. If that was the case, I might need to watch myself around her even more closely.

  "Do you cast charm on every guy you meet, or am I special?" I frowned, as I made my way around the desk to assume a more professional position.

  "I'd love to say you're special, but I can't really help it. It's a passive ability, I don't choose who I charm." For a moment, she looked somewhat troubled. Tucking one of her tentacles behind her ear, she... Wait, did I already say she had tentacles for hair? If not, that was definitely an important thing to mention.

  "I could imagine that would be difficult in its own right. I've had friends that constantly had to fight off guys because of their good looks, so I can only imagine how inconvenient it would be to naturally cast charm on everyone around you." I lied. I didn't have friends with that issue, I'd just read manga where that was a theme. But she didn't need to know that, I was trying to play it cool. Charm or not, I wanted to impress her.

  Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

  "That's real sweet of you, Pop Tart." Apparently she liked calling people by random edible items. Sugar, sweetie, and honey all made sense, but Pop Tart was a reach. Still, she made it sound adorable.

  "So, not that I mind your company, but what brings you to my office?" With the time I lost while being in a charmed delirium, I wasn't sure how much time had actually passed since her entrance. It might have made sense to cut the small talk and get to business.

  "Look at you! I love a man who knows how to down to business." She flashed another shark-toothed grin. It paired perfectly with a red twinkle from her eyes.

  "I'm flattered..." I was really really flattered. I'd never been more flattered in my life. "But you didn't answer my question."

  "Oh my." She fanned herself with her hand, as if she was suddenly hot and bothered. If nothing else, she was theatrical. "I'll need to watch myself around you..."

  Her voice trailed off as a weird look crossed her face. Her composure dropped as she stared at me, utterly confused.

  "What are you?" All sense of theatrics had gone out the window.

  "You came to me, and you don't know who I am?" The lingering effects of charm crystalized in my bloodstream sending shivers up my spine. The monster behind the beauty stared at me without her mask of charm.

  I had felt this odd sensation one other time... It was when I had encountered a certain eldritch god of chaos named Tep. The same overwhelming presence threatened to hold me in place. In fact, if it weren't for my uncanny resistance to the effects, I would likely be completely incapacitated.

  What was she?

  She was trouble, with a capital T.

  "I can see why Azathoth got his panties in a knot." Her malicious glare softened into one of curiosity. "You're really something."

  "Wait, you've talked to that god?" My instincts were correct, the woman sitting in front of me wasn't just another NPC. This would have been a perfect time for Joan to bless me with her infinite knowledge of all of the deities in the Cthulhu mythos. Without her, I was drawing a blank on a deity that fit her description. "Who are you?"

  "No need to be rude. I believe I asked you first." Her curiosity was slipping back into flirting. Apparently, flirting was her natural state.

  "Right. I'm Clay." As I searched her face for a response, I noticed that she seemed to almost have South-East Asian features. Her eyebrow raised upon hearing my name.

  "There wasn't a Clay on the ship." Her matter-of-fact response, caught me slightly off guard.

  "Or so I've heard." This hadn't been the first time I'd been given that information. I personally took that information with a grain of salt since I didn't trust this wasn't all just some attempt to manipulate me.

  "Oh really? Would you mind if I ask who you heard that from, Gumdrop?" She appeared surprised at how well informed I was.

  "Actually, I would mind. Besides, I already gave you my name, but you have yet to give me yours." Despite her good looks and charm, I felt this conversation dipping into Tep territory. I wasn't too pleased about it.

  "How rude of me." She grinned and extended her right hand as if she expected me to kiss it. "The name's Cathy."

  Refusing her offer to kiss her hand, I stood up from my desk chair.

  "Cathy?! As in Cathy from The Deep Tentacle Cabaret?" I'd been specifically warned about her. I regretted being alone with her now more than ever. Joan needed to return ASAP!

  "It seems like my reputation precedes me. Would you mind telling me where you heard about me?" Her eyes probed mine.

  "I'd rather not." On guard now more than ever, I started to put up walls. Instead, I handed her the matchbook featuring her club. "I found this at a crime scene, so I was planning to visit so I could ask some questions."

  "Not every day I get handed something covered in Voormi blood." She grinned it off as a joke. "Well, Pumpkin, ask away."

  I had been warned that she couldn't be trusted. Should I really have been asking her questions?

  Before I could say anything, her posture shifted. Actually, it wasn't just her posture, her entire personality seemed to turn off. The person sitting in front of me was still Cathy, but she also wasn't. It was almost like someone changed the channel on her.

  "Look, I don't have much more time, so I'm going to cut to the chase." Her usual smugness was nowhere to be found. "I got tired of waiting for you to show up, so I went off script to come find you. I didn't know who you were, I just knew my orders. You understand, Cup Cake?"

  I wasn't sure what was more shocking, the fact that she just dropped the whole facade and decided to table talk with me, or that her habit of calling me food names didn't disappear with her personality. By table talk, I was referring to when players of a table-top RPG decided to talk out of character and break the fourth wall of the campaign.

  "Are you sure you should be breaking character? Aren't you worried you'll get in trouble with that god?" In my interactions with NPCs so far, I hadn't been able to fully understand their situation. They would use terms like player, and they would subtly acknowledge elements of the death game, but they would all stay in character. Tep wasn't an NPC, so he never had a character in the first place. So Cathy was the first instance of a supposed NPC breaking character.

  "You seem pretty knowledgeable about everything. I figured you knew that Azathoth can't see anything that's going on around you. We're in his blind spot, Muffin." Her grin spread wickedly. It was made even more wicked by her shark teeth.

  "Right. So, if I understand what you're saying..," Her response helped me confirm that she might not have known my name, but she knew my unwelcome status. Her presence and her orders must be tied with that god's efforts to have me removed. "You're normally stationed at that Tentacle club, I was supposed to show up, but when I didn't you got impatient and came to me instead? Why is it so important that we meet?"

  "If you're referring to Azathoth's little farce..." She met my eyes with disinterest. "We're supposed to meet so you can experience total despair."

  There was something odd about her phrasing. She wasn't acting as an NPC at the moment, so maybe the answer she provided wasn't the real reason she was here.

  "... And if I'm not referring to that god's game?" As soon as the words escaped my lips, a large menacing smile crossed her face. Even her red eyes smiled back.

  "I'm going to have to watch myself with you..." She flirtatiously teased. Her drastically shifting personality continued to keep me guarded. "The real reason I needed to meet with you is..."

  Cathy climbed onto the desk, crawling on her hands and knees until her face was impossibly close to mine.

  "... I want you to help me kill Azathoth."

  What?!