While I did have a mind to go over there and drain every last piece of coin from them. I contained myself. Best to find out the price of goods before things start ramping up.

  Since by the looks of things—they were.

  “Now that the room is ‘fine’...” Dragging the word out, like a customer refusing to pay. “I need to understand this system thing first, if games have taught me one thing… it’s menus.”

  So I did the equivalent of swiping on my phone during doomscrolling until I found the right gesture that unlocked said menu.

  It wasn’t a hand movement… It was a voice command. “Open menu.” As obvious and generic as setting passwords to “guest.”

  What I did expect, was a following system announcement. I did not foresee it to come in the form of a bombing to my ear canal, to a fresh round of tinnitus.

  From there on out, I could happily swipe the air through screens. Looking like a maniac no doubt, but my house, my rules.

  Sitting at my kitchen counter and lazily flicking through the numerous menu options.

  One thing in particular had piqued my interest since the update: Currency based levelling.

  “This ought to be exciting—and profitable.” I snickered to myself. Going through the first section with sparkling eyes.

  Upgradable things were not as expected. I could level up, by literally paying my way up.

  “Pay to win.” I snorted.

  Anyway, so levelling cost coins. Gold coins for a matter of fact. While acquisition of skills were either copper or silver. “No doubt based on value.” I turned slowly and pumped my fists in secret.

  “My kind of progression—LETS FUCKING GO!” Followed by my coughing loudly at the blank looks from across the room. “Quests and levels and so on.” I yelled to the trio.

  Nailed it, cover intact.

  I panned over to my currency display. Two Silver. Meagre, but it’ll have to do for now. Going back to my skills. “While I can’t level up yet, I can buy myself a skill at least.” Tapping my chin while being given a total of 3 visible skills to choose from. And all costing me my hard earned fortune.

  Think long term Greg, you need a skill to deal with incoming, let’s call a spade a spade. Adventurers. So I need to drain these dungeon crawling, gold hoarding and bowl murdering people for all they have. “Hmmm.”

  Three skills.

  [Creature Comforts: lets you convert coins at reasonable exchange rates for physical objects, with hospitable properties]

  “Nice nice, I like it.”

  [Peaceful Presence: A quiet and organised Safe-room receives a passive income of 1 gold coin per day]

  “Long term goal for sure.”

  Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  [Sir Charge: Extract extra coins from individuals that break property]

  “Ooooh that’s such a good one.”

  [Note: Skills cannot be upgraded, but gain buffs with each gained level]

  And that was it. My 3 choices.

  I wasn’t sure what to do first, scream into a pillow of how awesome this was. Or to call my boss right now and tell him to stick the cashier gig up his ass. The latter not being an option, due to my phone being on strike.

  It was pretty clear what had to be chosen. Since creature comforts relied on coins to use, I would spend all of my funds just to acquire the damned thing. Resulting in me not being able to use it.

  Passive gold was a great incentive, but…

  I looked around to see my absolutely ruined lounge room. “What would constitute as quiet and organised?” My bet—not this.

  So option 3 it was. Tapping it with my finger and being rewarded by a futuristic *Ding*.

  [Sir Charge acquired. You are able to charge individuals who damage anything inside the safe zone.]

  My chin resting gently on my fist now, making googly eyes at my first 3 victims… I mean clients. “But let’s deal with this first.” Pulling at the sticky fabric that once presented a shirt, not an adult bib.

  I rushed up the stairs to my room, slammed the door and skipped around it like a teenage girl getting dressed for date night. I wanted to look presentable, but not a pushover. Smart, but not a fucking nerd. Rifling through my wardrobe until the perfect get-up announced itself.

  Timeless classic. T-shirt and jeans.

  Hey, if it ain’t broke. Switching out the drenched shirt and pyjama pants for my new signature style. Then heading down the stairs, jumping that last step like a boy rushing to open presents on Christmas Day.

  They were gone.

  Green blood across my once perfect floor and holes from arrows littering everything else. What. A. Scam.

  Here I thought, I’d be able to get that lot to pay for the damages and now I’m left holding the bag. An empty bag… with no money. “Bunch of assholes.”

  But wallowing wasn’t going to help. It was the weekend and I didn’t have work till Monday anyway. So what better way to spend my weekend than work some more. Sighing and rolling my eyes around my skull like a toddler having a temper tantrum.

  A valid response all things considered.

  I took a mop and sponge out and began scrubbing the shit out of that green slime. Making me gag at the smell and consistently yell “eww” when a snot-like substance got between my fingernails.

  “And of course I don’t have gloves in the house, classic.”

  It took me damn near 3 hours to get all of that green shit out of my floorboards. Using up pretty much all of my elbow grease reserves. But in the end. “Worth it.” If you pretended not to see the arrow holes that is.

  One thing still remained on my list of things that desperately need doing. A foyer of sorts.

  The main reason being, that if another group decided to open that door mid battle, it wouldn’t destroy half my house.

  “I wonder if this dungeon has dragons?”

  What are you saying Greg, you trying to jinx yourself?

  I shook my head and got to work.

  While I wasn’t the craftiest of men, I did have some basic tools and a few wooden planks in my garage. So my brain thought, let’s just build a wall first. If they come stumbling in, they might get forced facial reconstruction surgery the medieval way. But at least arrows will stop there.

  When I actually got to the building part, it was less like a wall and more in line with a makeshift ramp. Seen at playgrounds or a one-way seesaw. Planning things was much easier it turned out. So this way, some arrows would get deflected while simultaneously giving adventurers an obstacle course. One of which I could get on board with to be honest.

  “Ugh, this is why I have to have my choc-brownie power breakfast. I need the focus of a nutritious breakfast after all.”

  My head snapped round to the mind tingling jingle of a door handle being rattled open.

  “Vict… Customers!”