“Did Reg have you on speed dial?” I asked as Tim skidded to a stop on the other side of the portal.

  “Something’s changed. I knew you needed me, and I couldn’t help but start running. Close your bloody eyes.” The Outremonde orlic reached into his labcoat pocket-of-holding and pulled out a fire extinguisher.

  “The fires are fine, dude. It’s just burning more of the shroom forest.”

  “Shut up and close your eyes.” I gave him a grade four glare. “Please?”

  I closed my eyes and was blasted with frigid air. I blinked furiously as the white cloud began to disperse to see him hosing down Alicya, who was snapping at the smoky gas uncontrollably.

  “Here.” Tim tossed me a vial of pills. “Take one twice a day for a week. You’ll both be fine. I need to go.” He hopped from foot to foot like he needed to run to the toilet.

  “What are they?” I asked, shaking the bottle suspiciously. The rattle sounded familiar, reminding me of home.

  “Magimectin. Magical parasite medicine. You might get the shits for a few days as they’re gonna kill everything that shouldn’t be inside you, but they’ll get the spores as well.”

  “Facemelter spores aren’t susceptible to normal—” Alicya began.

  “They are to this. It cured Urethraphages in my lab trials. Without requiring amputation. I’ve got an experiment going, Bob. If I don’t get back there, there’s a non-zero chance it might rip a new hole in the multiverse and let the things that exist outside of IMPS inside the systemverse. That would be really fucking bad.” Before I could open my mouth, he nodded and shot away. “Thanks, boss!”

  “What the hell is going on with my minions? It’s like he could read my mind, and that bunnyborg actually spoke.” I pulled out a pair of tablets, chucked one down my throat and passed the other to Alicya, who stared at it unhappily.

  “Can’t you at least wrap it in bacon or something?”

  “What?”

  “You’re meant to try and trick me into taking the tablet.”

  “Here.” I pulled a modest lump of Umbraxis meat out and tossed it to her. “Have an epic evolution next time you level up as a bonus.”

  “You have to—”

  “No, I bloody don’t! You’re a sentient being thousands of years old. You know the tablet will be in there! Just eat the damn meat with it.”

  I glared through the shower of golden motes that were exploding around me. I was worried. Not about the noblins. Now that the roborabbits were indulging in their predilictions, the green guys were cooked, literally in many cases.

  Where they weren’t flambéed, they were being manacannoned and turned into biological origami. But somewhere out there…

  “Where’s Remy?” I asked, ignoring what sounded like a furball coming up from the werewolf.

  “That way,” Alicya grunted. She reached up with one hand and began stroking her throat with her head tipped back.

  I followed where she was pointing with my eyes. “You mean through the fire?” I got an angry shrug in reply.

  “Fine.” I shifted back into my real body and shook out my wings with a couple of tentative flaps. “Hop on.”

  Once she was seated on my shoulders, I leapt into the air and skimmed above the flames. I ignored her yells of “Hot hot hot!”

  Any moisture the hose down had left on her fur was gone when I landed, and when I turned my head back to look at her, she was frizzy and singed. I mugged for her to slide down before shifting back into my mammal suit and underoos.

  “This way.” There were four tunnels, each a dozen metres from the next, and Alicya pointed to one and set off with her shoulders hunched, radiating annoyance.

  “Hang on.” I opened another portal. “Reg, another squad please!” I yelled.

  A dozen bunnyborgs marched out.

  “Take ‘em from behind,” I ordered.

  “Giggity,” the leading cyborg replied. What the hell was going on with my minions?

  As manacannons flared and they charged into the smoke and fury, I shelved the problem and followed Alicya into the tunnel. The smoke was being sucked in behind us, limiting visibility and making Alicya waft a paw in front of her face.

  “How are you on lung cancer?” I asked quietly as we padded down the tunnel. There were no slimes here that I could see. My magehand-supported light had managed to keep up as I flew over the flames, and as the flickering light from the inferno faded due to the tunnel twisting and turning, it was the only light I had left.

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  “It won’t kill me.”

  “How far to the rodent?”

  “A few hundred metres. He’s close now. I can feel him.”

  “You think the demon was responsible for the milk factory?” I asked as we slunk down the tunnel.

  “Rats aren’t nice creatures, as a rule, but they aren’t evil. That dairy was. I think the demon had something to do with it.”

  “What about the other cow-people? They’re going to be pissed when they find out.” Something dripped on my shoulder, and I pulled out another towel. Always carry a towel or six. Thank god for infinite storage.

  We plodded on, corners coming and going. I tensed every time we had to turn and face the unknown. Demons were tricksy, and having met Nyal, I suspect Hurg’s boss was going to be a pain in the ass to deal with.

  “The herd always sticks together. The Bronze Bull would have crushed the ratkin if he knew. They must have only just switched to the force feeding and milking.”

  I brushed a hand against the moss that lined the wall next to me, and it recoiled from my touch almost as fast as I snapped my hand back when it moved. No touching, Bob.

  “What about the other rats?”

  “We’ll need to check them out. Anyone wearing a hat is going to be in trouble.”

  I paused, and she stopped next to me. “None of the other rats wore hats apart from the captain of the fishing boat? Why do I feel like I’m trapped in Dr Suess book?”

  “Never heard of the guy. Pack leaders… if they had taken over the king and the packrats, that might be how they got away with it.”

  She leapt up and snatched the light orb from my magehand, burying it in her paws and furry chest. “Shh.” Before the light died, I saw one ear prick up and turn towards our front. Then there was a sudden darkness.

  I listened intently. The quiet sound of Alicya breathing, a steady dripping sound from somewhere behind me, the faint sound of my foot sliding across the slick floor. My eyes began to adjust to the gloom, and faint webworks of fungal growth gave off a faint glow above me that added to the shower of golden sparks I was steadily shedding.

  “You know I’m bugger all use at stealth, right?” I asked, waving an arm that left a trail like a budget sparkler in her direction.

  “Quiet. Can’t you hear it?”

  “I can’t hear shit.”

  “Sirosy slofi verrr. Prol apsis ticbow ell… Mean anything to you?”

  “No idea. Where are you getting that shit from?” I leaned forward and poked her arm. “We’ve got a rat-demon to kill, and pissing about here isn’t getting the job done. I’m afraid you’re going to have to do the killing. I need to do another couple of evolutions before I can get back to slaughtering baddies.”

  “It’s chanting. Like… religious. Come on, Bob. I don’t think we’ve got much time!” She burst into a loping run, so I jogged along behind her. She was definitely going first into the fray. I was just going to hang back and chuck support spells at things. Or summon more minions, maybe.

  Our tunnel ended in a much smaller version of the previous cavern. Without the shroomtrees. There were low mushbushes here and there, but this space was dominated by crude dwellings. Ramshackle homes and communal buildings, enough of them to house thousands of noblins.

  The town was built around a rise; the centre of the space was occupied by an underground hill, atop which something red and sickly glowed in the distance.

  The hovel-town was dead. Literally. Bodies lay strewn about. I stopped and knelt next to the first one we reached, flipping it over with a casual lack of respect. No signs of violence, dull eyes left staring. I flicked my tongue out and regretted it. Noblins had what could be politely described as a pungent aroma, but there was something else here. Something that tasted like bad eggs.

  “Missa Vivica!” I said. Waste not, want not, right?

  “The hell?” Alicya hissed.

  “You’ll need support in the fight,” I muttered as hundreds of perfectly intact corpses rose up to my bidding. It was a heady feeling. None of them complained, bitched or yelled at me. They turned almost as one and shambled towards the eerie glow in the distance. I didn’t have to say a word.

  “Weird. Well, come on, puppy.”

  “Don’t call me that!” Despite her protestations, both her tails began to wag furiously as she fell into step beside me.

  “You’ve been around a while. What do you reckon we’re walking a herd of zombies into?”

  “It’s rude to discuss a lady's age.”

  “You’re over a thousand years old, and you still haven’t gotten over that? I wouldn’t say you look a day over two hundred, if it helps?”

  “You’re such an ass.” Her chuffing laugh told me she wasn’t annoyed. “You really need me to lay it out?”

  I shrugged, my towel riding up on my shoulders. “Some kind of demon summoning shit intended to unleash devilish liver flukes upon an unsuspecting world and turn it into some kind of hellscape?”

  “As good a bet as any.”

  We walked through the desolate town in silence after that. The buildings were all bodged together, barely an inch from falling apart. Scavenged wood was mixed with what I assumed were planks cut from the bigger shroomtrees to make the semblances of walls and roofs.

  More bodies decorated what passed for streets. The corpses and the roads were bent, never forming straightlines. The buildings were all unique as well; nothing was uniform, everything was chaotic and random. I raised the dead a couple more times, and they went charging, well, limping, off towards the summit.

  We reached the end of the road that led up to the peak. It wasn’t terribly high. The Incas would have scoffed, and the Egyptians would have taken the piss. A low ziggurat dominated the space, an artificial hillock.

  Large stones formed the bulk of the steps; the zombies were cooperating to create ladders of bodies so their brethren could ascend over their backs, except for the regular-sized stairs that led straight up ahead of us. Those they’d left empty. The grey rock of the cavern wasn’t present in the construction.

  “Follow the yellow brick stairs?” I said, offering Alicya my arm. She scowled, swatted at my arm and began to climb.

  “We’re off to see the demon, the wonderful demon of rats…” I hummed under my breath.

  An altar surrounded by overgrown noblins awaited us at the top. Eldritch runes were carved into the yellow stone of the pyramid, the source of the crimson glow we’d seen from a distance. The chanting was intense, like zealots preparing for the ritual's climax. Dozens of noblins in long grey robes stood with their arms raised in the air.

  “Kill them!” screeched Hurg from where he poked out of Remy’s skull. The rat king was spreadeagled on top of the altar in front of a twisted and deformed noblin. The priest or warlock or whatever held an obsidian blade in front of his chest with both hands, his eyes misty and unfocused.

  “Oh. This is kind of fucked up. Get ‘em lads!” My horde of undead spilt over the edge on every side and charged. “You have some fun as well. I’ll try and save Remy, if I can.” I rolled a pair of portal stones in the palm of my left hand.