If the Custodians are Gods, they are fucking useless. Like… really useless. Because tell me why nobody came to my rescue?

  The only person decent enough to try was the guard at the city gates, worried about the ongoing turmoil in their Lord’s territory.

  “Stop,” the guard yelled toward us as we were approaching the entrance to the city.

  “I’m going to fuck your mother dumb,” William yelled back before passing the guards and entering the city.

  That was it. That was the extent of my aid from the universe. Fuck you, Gods.

  And you especially, Ephe and Relia, watching all this and doing fuckall to stop it. When I’m in danger, they always act, but for some reason, this time, they chose to lie back and enjoy the bloody show, even though it is clear that I was in danger.

  “I’m feeling sick,” I muttered from the horse the moment we stopped. “Oh… I will puke.”

  “Don’t you fucking dare puke on my shiny shit, I will beat the vampirism out of you,” William threatened, jumping down from the horse. “Have you never ridden a bloody horse?”

  “Why would I?” I groaned, trying to get down as well. “I stood in a castle, not in a fucking field, old man.”

  “This generation, I swear…” he sighed, before whistling, sending the horse back into the magic circle that appeared at the beast’s feet, making me fall to the ground.

  Despite my knees aching and despite wanting to cuss his mother’s decision in not swallowing him, it was interesting to see how his whistle activated some form of artifact standing on his neck, which teleported the horse from one spot to his location, then back again. A magical Uber of sorts, but a lot more annoying to deal with.

  “Come, drink this so that you do not puke on a poor lass while you’re at it.” William shook his head, offering a flask he set free from the side of his hip.

  “What’s in it?” I grimaced, not wanting to drink anything this bastard could’ve given me.

  William clicked his tongue, undid the cork of the flask, chugged a mouthful of liquid, and spat it on the ground near me.

  “Bloody…fucking…water,” he groaned. offering the flask again. “Now drink.”

  It really was water. I was somewhat disappointed at that. Not because I wanted alcohol, but because I never imagined this… vulgar Bigfoot, to carry water with him. It didn’t fit the image I had of him in my head.

  “Now come,” said William the moment I took the flask away from my lips. “Before someone grabs all the women.”

  “But I don’t want any women,” I argued the moment he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet.

  And it seems my words were the best jokes the bastard ever heard, as he started laughing, pushing me inside, “Sure you don’t.”

  The tavern we entered was packed to the brim with people, men and women alike. Humans, elves, beastfolk, and a handful of smallfolk barely tall enough to reach my waist. There was even a pixie flying lazily above the bar.

  She, if you could call a miniature, glowing menace like that a woman, was floating above the counter itself, cheering as the crowd in front of her enthusiastically ruined their livers, family savings, and life choices.

  The building, like every piece of furniture inside it, was made entirely of wood. Dark, rustic, and worn smooth by time and spilled alcohol, it had that unmistakable fantasy tavern atmosphere.

  That atmosphere was only mildly undercut by the fact that there was an ongoing fire hazard. Candles burned on tables, on shelves, and far too close to beams that looked one drunken elbow away from becoming a historical lesson in fire safety.

  Maybe magic made fires easier to put out if someone with the right Road happened to be nearby. Maybe this was considered normal.

  Still, placing burning candles next to wood that was already begging for release from its miserable existence as furniture for alcoholics felt like an impressively bad idea.

  And worst of all, on one corner of this faithful establishment, to poor moral choices, were no other than my faithful companions. Enna, Airina, Silvien, Melsa, and Arther, all caught in some serious topic of discussion, as little Arthur was stabbing a piece of chicken with a fork. They were not aware of me being there yet.

  Or would not have been, if not for what followed next, of course.

  “Move aside,” said a drunk man as he tried to go outside past William and me.

  “Ah, sorry,” I muttered by instinct, making way for the man. But of course, the old bastard did in fact not move aside as requested.

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  “Say please,” William replied to the man’s offer. “Say please, and I might just let you pass.”

  The drunk man shook his head, “I want no issues, old man. I had a bad day and just want to go home.”

  “Aww,” William taunted, feigning pity. “Did your woman get fucked by another? Who was it? Me?”

  “Uh… William,” I blinked. “The man just wants to go home. He didn’t do anything.”

  “On the contrary, my vampire friend,” the STUPID FUCK said out loud, drawing the entire fuckery toward us. “He didn’t say please to his elders. And I find that rather disrespectful.”

  “I said, fuck off,” the man repeated, his jaw tightened, cheeks red from alcohol. “I won’t repeat or say please to shit. Fuck out of my way.”

  “Wrong answer.”

  And at that casual remark, William grinned before winking at me, looked up as if wanting to yawn, before proceeding to smash the poor man’s nose with a headbutt blessed by the Gods themselves, sending the man crumbling to the ground like a sad, alcohol-infused sack of potatoes.

  I blinked at the bastard near my side before I felt a few people watching me. When trailing the stares back to their source, I found my companions now fully aware of my presence, their expression resembling confusion, panic, and obvious fear.

  It seemed William was right to say they were all terrified of me. So, hoping to relieve some of that tension and ignoring William as he started dropkicking the already-fainted drunkard, I smiled and waved at them.

  The only one who waved back was none other than little Arthur, chicken-filled fork still in hand.

  After stopping William from sending the man to the Gods, we moved to an empty table far away from the rest of my companions. If they were scared of me, it was pointless to try to talk to them or make their stay here any more uncomfortable than it already was.

  “Now that hit the spot,” said William with a pleased expression.

  I shook my head in disbelief, ignoring the heartbreak my companion’s attitude gave me, “Do you enjoy fighting that much?”

  “The only bloody thing I am good at… well, that and fucking, but you get my point,” William grinned.

  “Whatever you say,” I sighed, seeing that a beastfolk lady and the fairy standing on her shoulder were approaching our table.

  “Good day… sirs,” said the… fox lady, I guess.

  “Pipes, plenty of tobacco, four ales for me, a glass of wine for my blood-sucking friend here, and a lass or two,” William ordered as if he were at a Michelin-star restaurant.

  But hold on, since when can you buy women in a tavern? What type of bullshit place is this? You know what… let the bitch burn.

  “Aye, aye,” said the fox lady with a panicked expression, watching me intently, as anyone else in this place, for that matter. Including the fairy herself, who was studying me as if I were some artifact.

  “Uh… make it one lass,” I replied, anxious. “For my… angry friend here.”

  “Two.” William countered, his voice booming. “One for my shy friend here.”

  “One,” I repeated.

  William shook his head in disbelief. “Three.”

  “Okay, okay,” I surrendered. “Two.”

  “Mhm,” the fox lady nodded before dashing as far away from us as possible.

  However, the moment she escaped our vicinity, something else remained floating, ever so closer, floating toward me as if she were a speck of dust.

  “Say,” she muttered, her voice surprisingly normal despite her size. “Why do you look like a vampire but do not smell like one?”

  I refused, however, to be questioned by yet another evolutionary paradox, so I ignored her, hoping she would fly away. But she didn’t.

  “Hey! I’m talking to you, you pale fuck!” she retorted, drawing my attention just enough to meet her small eyes. “Yes, you. Finally, say what’s wrong with you?”

  I frowned at that, inhaling deeply and blowing all the air in my lungs at once, sending her floating away. You do not talk to me as if a stronger breeze isn’t your worst enemy, lady.

  “You cunt,” she yelled, regaining control before she rushed back to me; however, just as she was rushing back to me, a wild priestess caught her in her hand.

  “Your Grace,” Enna muttered, orange eyes locked onto my figure. “Can we talk?”

  “Go away,” William shooed her. “Our activities are arriving, and jeez, what activities indeed.”

  Two women dressed in far-too-revealing clothing, one a middle-aged woman, still in her prime, and a beastfolk lady, came carrying the rest of the things William ordered for us.

  “Here it is,” said the beastfolk woman with a grin, before each of them took a seat beside the other, making me choke on my own saliva as I felt a hand already on my thigh.

  “Yes, Enna,” I muttered, jumping to my feet. “Let us talk.”

  William clicked his tongue, his hands already busy finding out the sizes of the human woman, “You are a boring man, Elio.”

  “A married man, my good sir,” I countered.

  “A dead wife.”

  “Still married.”

  And with that, I rushed to Enna’s side, past the confused pixie, just to remember I never mentioned to any of them I was a married man, so, ignoring the frown Enna was giving me, I pushed her and rushed to the table on the opposite side of the tavern where my companions stood waiting.

  “Good day,” I said to them, taking one of the free seats at the large table.

  “Y-Your Grace,” Silvien stuttered, nodding shily while Melsa and Arther bowed lightly toward me.

  “Been busy?” I asked, petting little Arthur just as Enna was sitting down in her chair. “What did the guild want?”

  “Why are you here, Your Grace?” Airina asked fearlessly.

  I sighed at her question, pointing with my head toward William, “As you can see, I’ve been dragged here against my will in order to get past what happened.”

  At my answer, Silvien’s ears dropped slightly, and Enna opened her mouth to say something, but before words could leave her lips, an annoying fly came and sat on my shoulder.

  “Say,” the pixie whispered in my ear, “Why are you so mean? Are you fairyphobic?”

  Do not get me started with this bullshit. I’ve been in this world for two months, and I don’t even know what the fuck you are.

  But I could only groan in annoyance, turning my red eyes toward the pair of eyes standing on my shoulder, “Yes. Yes, I am. Now tell me what it is you want from me.”

  “Help,” she whispered, her tone suddenly serious, “Please. Take me away.”

  [New Directive: Rescue the Pixie.]

  Brilliant. The Gods have finally answered.

  Useless pieces of shit.

  Patreon where you can read the entirety of Volume One and the beginning of Volume Two ahead of Schedule!