I pant, exhausted.
Percy tilts his mech-head. “Snacks? An entree? Liquid, perhaps?”
“Pepper,” I rasp.
Pepper waddles to me and offers a Meal Prepper morsel. “Dave? Are you okay?”
Slowly, I chew and watch my Health move out of the danger zone. But I still have an empty feeling inside I don’t like. Little by little, it starts to go away.
“Thanks Cabbage Patch.”
“Are you… hurt?” Pepper’s concerned. I see the faces of the Night Shift, looking at me like I’m the sick alien at the end of E.T.
“Fine.” I lean against the black and gold wall, trying not to think. “Just a little… tired.”
“I didn’t know you could…” Rincewind glances at the others. “I’ve never seen you do something like that before.”
“Like what?”
“Kill half a million guys,” says Wahoo.
I’m too tired to respond, so I ignore them and check Hank. Whatever medicine Broadchurch gave him is doing the work. He’s in good health, pink as a Pop-Tart. “You look better.”
“Yeah.” Hank stares at his feet. He saw Broadchurch’s termination notice, same as I did. I pat him on the back, not knowing what to say.
“Please,” Percy hands stim-packs to all of us while magically cleaning our costumes to a high polish. “You are our honored guests! We want you to be at full strength for the Challenge.”
Neon lights ignite a black and gold space-temple that’s covered in a thin layer of frost. The place feels clinical, almost sterile, bereft of any organic elements. The temple has no saints, no cherubs, no fountains, no hint of anything organic at all. The pillars that hold up the temple ceiling are lined with statues of mechanized robo-warriors with gun-blades. The walls are lined with little tomb-like mausoleums shut tight with mechanized doors.
“Please let me know if I can be of any assistance.” Percy trails behind me like a helpful dog. “Liquid refreshment?”
I shake off my stupor. Whatever I felt in the last Ring, it has to go. This is the wrong place to get caught navel-gazing. And if I’m good at anything, it’s burying my feelings.
I grab another five stimpacks from the Butler and stuff them in my inventory. “Percy. Give us all the medkits you have.”
“Certainly, sir.” As he hands out twenty health-packs apiece, bowing and scraping to the Night Shift, the girls start laughing under their hands. I can’t figure out why until I look more closely at the central dais. It’s a raised platform in the center of the room in the shape of a giant golden phallus, a monument to hopeful dongs everywhere.
As the girls giggle, I check the dias more carefully and find a single gold button.
Cock & Load
Press Start when you are ready to begin the 20-minute Challenge: Womb Tomb.
I fix my mind on the problem in front of me.
“Dave…” Rincewind starts to say something, but I cut him off.
“Percy. What happens when we hit that button?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, sir.” The robo-butler cocks his head. “This temple has been frozen since the ice pirates attacked 20 years ago. Nothing has moved since then, and there have been no visitors.”
“Those robot statues are going to come alive and try to kill us, right?”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean, sir.”
“What are the little tombs for? Mobs come out of those, too, right?”
“I’m sure I don’t kn—”
“Percy. Shut up.”
“Of course, sir.”
I wander the temple, mapping it while I eat. Percy follows me, offering an herbal tea. There’s something familiar about this whole setup, but I can’t put my finger on it. The temple is a big square with smaller squares on each corner filled with hallways, doors, tunnels, a few isolated rooms, and some vertical space. A basic five-chamber combat layout, a game map that feels like it’s out of Quake or Duke Nukem.
I check the tombs. They’re cloner cabinets, like the Ctrl+C / Ctrl+Me booths we saw in the lobby. But these are weirder. They have a timed lock that seals from the inside, like a one-man panic room. The inside of the doors are lined with screens playing trending RiftTok vids of me fighting in the Waritorium.
I stop cold. If those videos are trending, I should be...
I check my HUD. My Hype score is completely flat. I went from being the most-viewed thing in RiftBorn to zero.
I check the Blap Blap feed. They’re showing reruns, but nothing from inside the temple. RiftBorn has cut our feed. What’s more, there is no video from any temple, not even where the RiftElites went.
“Why aren’t we popular anymore?” Pepper’s eyes ignite in pink neon, then fizzle out. “My Meme Queen doesn’t work in here.”
I check the screens. “They’re not letting us broadcast because—”
“—they don’t want anyone posting a walkthrough.” Rincewind nods. “No spoilers.”
“So there’s a trick to it,” Hank nods. “Dave’s good at figuring out tricks.”
I force myself to think. “The AI said only 1% of the playtesters beat the Womb Tomb.” I glance at Pepper. “You’d better make some more snacks. Night Shift, let’s get on it.”
The Night Shift hands Pepper all the food-related items they gathered through the Infinity Rings. As she whips up more medpacks, the team and I reconnoiter the temple, establishing battle plans. The wizards infuse a bunch of items with traps and place them all over the temple, several near where the robot warriors now stand. When they attack (and all of us agree the robots are going to try and kill us), half the mechs will get blown to pieces. We devise battle tactics, contingencies, and combos until suddenly, there’s nothing more to discuss. The plan is as good as it’s ever going to be.
We gather around the golden button, nervous.
“Anybody got anything else?” I ask. No one does. I rack my brain one more time, trying to fight the creeping suspicion that I’m missing something. But I survived 20 minutes in the Icebox, I should be able to survive 20 minutes of whatever this is. There’s nothing left to do but…
“Pep, start the clock.”
“Sirs and madames.” Percy bows to us. “Good luck.” And vanishes.
I hit the golden button. Go.
Womb Tomb Challenge
Sex! Oh, do I have your attention now?
You have been found guilty of lustful thoughts by the eunuch robo-priests of the Castrato Brotherhood. All your horny nights spent dreaming of trembling flesh, the sensual caress of a lover’s engorged naughty bits, that weird stuff you want done to your toes… Vile pervert! That poor sweatsock! You’ve indulged in your last self-gratifying pleasure… suffer the consequences of your youthful lust as your tainted flesh withers at the feet of the Castrato robo-god!
Womb Tomb is a One Night Stand challenge. If you have not destroyed all religious zealots by the end of the 20-minute Challenge, you will respawn with no gear at Level 0 in the Outer Ring. Hope it was worth it, you filthy sinner!
No one is surprised when robot statues lurch to life all around us. I check their tags.
Puritandroid lvl10 Incelestial
Robot morality logic states that only a lifeless organism is innocent of sin—therefore all living organisms must die in order to become pure. Offended by reproduction, over-the-shirt stuff, and those nasty websites you sneak onto, the Puritandroids have marked you for correction.
Wizard traps kill half of them immediately.
Magic explosions detonate robot parts all over the room. I barely reload my M1 before Matchstick and Hank have wrecked the other half. Twenty, maybe thirty robots are reduced to spare parts in seconds.
“Well, that was easy!” Hang Ten pops a bubble and the whole room pulses.
A surge of energy emanates from the golden phallus. Time distorts. Everything feels like it’s on fast-forward. The time-wave sensation leaves me feeling sick, as if I’ve just lost something important… like a kidney.
A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Time Warp (Again)
It’s just a jump to the left. And 10 years to the right. Ah yes, another decade on the ol’ ticker. 10 more trips around the sun. Imagine the changes. Not quite so rizz now, are you?Your character has aged 10 years
My Vitality bar has never once moved since I started the game, my Hermit class makes me immune to hunger effects. But it moves now.
Vitality 96%↓
The red bar drops fast. Before I have a chance to panic, Stamina 18 flashes and the Vitality slide halts at 90%. What the hell was that?
Wait…why is my hair longer?
“Whoa!” Queen WaqWaq exhales. “Did that just happen to everyone else? I just lost 20% of my Vitality.”
“24%” says Wahoo, who now sports a beard. “And 2 points off my Strength! What the—”
A second pillar turns, revealing more Puritandroids. A third pillar does the same. A fourth. The first round was only an appetizer; this is the main course.
Now we run, unsure what the hell is happening. We post up in our killbox and run the drill like we practiced. I play parkour rabbit to the mobs and lure them into wizard fire. Hank bats cleanup. We’re winning the fight but we’ve got bigger problems.
“I’m not getting any Vitality back from these healing potions!” shouts Wahoo. “Just Health!”
“Vitality isn’t Health, dumbass!” shouts HangTen.
“Stimpacks and food aren’t working!” screams WaqQaq. “Even Pep’s California Roll isn’t giving me Vitality!”
“Nor me, mate!” Matchshtick shouts back. “80%!”
“Stay focused!” I holler. “Stick to the plaaahh!” Something jumps at my face. A fanged worm about two feet long springs from a vent at me. I snatch it out of the air and hurl it into the wall.
Space Herpy lvl3 Venerial Disease
Spreads through proximity, alcohol, and bad decisions. What happened in Vegas didn’t stay in Vegas. Like glitter and guilt—once it’s on you, it stays forever.
I blast the thing to pieces. A space herpy. You’ve got to be kidding. Wait—
A time-pulse rocks through the temple.
Time Warp (Again)
Ooo. Twenty years older. How’s your face holding up? Got any wattles yet? Dark circles, thinning hairline, a little junk in the trunk. You can still flirt even if you’re middle-aged, right? Maybe someone will take pity on you.Your character has aged 10 years
My Vitality drops another 10%. The Challenge clock still has 13 minutes on it, but we’ve lost two decades. “What the hell, man?” Queen WaqWaq stares at the gray streaks in her hair. Wahoo touches the wrinkles around his eyes. Matchstick is going bald. “What the hell?!”
Puritandroids stomp around the corner and attack us. This time, our plan doesn’t come together. We’re off-balance, confused, and old. Percy the Butler strolls through the chaos, offering stimpacks, a space herpy stuck to his face.
That’s it. Now I know why this place felt familiar. “Pep!” I yell. “Stay with Hank! I’ve got this!”
“You got this, Dave!” Pepper gives me a flipper thumbs-up and launches an Imaginagerie to buy time.
I fire up Parkour Pulse, create some space, and book it to the cloner closets. A Puritandroid smashes into me, and we both wind up inside the booth. The cloner flashes while we struggle hand-to-hand. Another droid fires at me from across the temple, so I blast it. The droid I’m fighting gives me a metal fist to the face that loosens my teeth. My head spins to see—
—an infant me.
Sweet Baby Dave. The baby sits on the cloner pad, a stupid smile on its face. “Pblbth!”
“Hell’s bells.” The droid punches me in the face again and hurls me to the backside of the cloner closet. Sweet Baby Dave is going to get squished by both of us if this keeps up. I smash the droid’s head against the doorframe and blast it in the chest six times. It explodes and clatters across the temple floor.
I turn to Sweet Baby Dave. He coos at me and giggles. “Stay here.” I kick the Puritandroid’s weapon into the cloner. “Just… watch TV or something.” I set the time lock, elbow the door, and hear it seal shut as another time warp hits.
I stumble out of the cloners to discover my long gray Hermit beard is back, and the Night Shift is in their 50s.
“Ah, my knee.” Hang Ten looks like she’s ready for an AARP Magazine subscription, her face etched with wrinkles and bags under her eyes. “My Vitality’s down to 25%,” Wahoo looks like a grizzled old prospector. “I can barely move! How are we supposed to fight…” He’s cut off as Queen WaqWaq screams in horror. “My boobs are sagging!”
Puritandroids stomp toward us, still as efficient as they were 30 years ago. “We keep getting older and they don’t!” Rincewind yells through his long gray beard. “That’s not fair!”
The kids are aging faster than I am. My high Stamina slows down the march of time, my Vitaility is still at 60%, but the others are getting weak and slow. “Stick it out! 8 minutes left!” I shout, and the war rages on. This time, we don’t let ourselves get broken up; we stick together. Wizards blast, Hank kills everything that moves, and Pep keeps the worst at bay.
But when the next time the Time Warp hits, Wahoo stays on the ground.
He’s too weak to get up, a frail old man. “I’m out!” I hear his microphone distort in Toledo. “I’m Immobile, guys!” Puritandroids step over him, ignoring him like an impotent relic. Down to seven of us. Seven old coots trying to stay relevant.
Another Time Warp hits and HangTen drops, her Vitality at 0. WaqWaq collapses into a chair with a broken hip. Matchstick takes a hit and can’t recover, panting against the wall. His bald head is covered in liver spots. The droids ignore him, coming for us.
“Well, this sucks.” Rincewind is so old he makes Clint Eastwood look spry. His shaking hands blast another droid. “I thought we had this. Dammit.” He smiles at me as his body slumps to the ground, old and used up. “Good run though. Thanks Dave.”
“I got a plan, hang on.” My high Stamina score fights off aging better than the others, I’m only down to 25%. I just have to stay up a little longer.
Hank’s barbarian face is covered in a white bird-nest beard that pours over his stomach to his knees. He swings the Infinity Blade and decapitates a droid. I shoot the one behind it. “Ugh,” Hank grabs his aching shoulder. “My arms don’t move like they used to. Is this what it’s like to be old? This sucks! My feet hurt!”
“Try compression socks.” I turn. “How much time, Pep?”
“Three minutes until the Womb Tomb ends, Dave!” I realize most of her black feathers have gone gray. Her voice sounds like she’s a hundred. “Only thirty droids left… we can make it!”
The Final Time Warp hits. Hank’s beard drags on the floor as he tries to kill another Puritandroid, but he’s too old to keep going. He stumbles to one knee, then drops the axe. He lands facedown on the floor. Pepper hits the ground beside him, snow-white, shaking with palsy.
I’m the last man standing. I get my M1 up and nail the next droid. My clip runs out and falls to the floor. My hands shake too much to reload. I watch the Puritandroids stomp toward me, feeling helpless, old, and impotent.
I check the countdown clock. Two minutes left. “Come on, where are you?”
“Up here!” I hear a young man’s voice shout. The Puritandroids look up, and blaster fire blows them into scrap metal. An athletic figure swings down from a rope like Douglas Fairbanks. Handsome, robust, and dead sexy, he lands right in the middle of the robots, flashing a cocksure smile. A young man, ready for a fight.
Me.
Don’t Die Dave 2.0.
“Hi Dad!” Sweet Baby Dave waves.
I’m almost ashamed to admit how easy it was. I should have known from the time I saw the robot butler Percy. Hell, Percy even handed me the big clue, and I didn’t catch it: Ice Pirates. It was a Robert Urich movie, a slapstick, racy-80s sex comedy filled with raunchy humor, castration jokes, and, yes, a space herpy. That was what finally tipped me off.
The end of the movie features a time-warp gag where everyone gets really old, really fast. Once again, the RiftBorn writers just ripped it off. But the Ice Pirates hero saves himself by having sex; his girlfriend gives birth and raises his child, who grows up and saves the day. It took me a bit to figure out what the cloning machine was for, but I got there eventually. RiftBorn copied the trap; all I had to do was copy the solution: make a baby.
My superpower isn’t parkour. It’s Blockbuster Video.
Sweet Baby Dave blasts more droids. He’s had almost 20 minutes to grow from a baby into a full-size me, and he lays into the remaining Puritandroids like a beast.
I grin. “Go get ‘em, tiger.”
My boy scoops up Hank’s Spinfinity Blade and wrecks Puritandroids like a pro, destroying them like children’s toys, laughing. Heads fly, arms flail, and robot legs twitch as they bounce on the ground. The kid’s a natural.
In thirty seconds, the Puritandroids are nothing but busted lug nuts and motor oil.
Sweet Baby Dave skids to a stop next to me and offers a hand. “Come on, pops! On your feet!”
I chuckle and let him help me up. Oh my back. “How did you learn to do all that?”
“You, okay?!” Sweet Baby Dave grins and points at the screens in his cloner closet, still showing my greatest hits. “I learned it by watching you!!”
I laugh. My Sweet Baby Dave opens his arms to embrace me. I hug him and slap him on the back. “Good boy.”
He explodes. One second, I’m holding him; the next I’m covered in his guts. I flick my fingers and spit my own blood out of my mouth. “Pth! Dude. I gotta teach you to clean up after yourself.”
VICTORY!
Congratulations! You defeated the Womb Tomb! From cradle to grave, father to son, birth to deletion, you’ve only got one life to live… and you’re killing it.
A bunch of rewards pop up in my HUD, including XP, a ton of gold, 1000 CoinRiver Gems, whatever those are, and the big one: S-Tier Loot Box. Time warps backwards this time, and all members of the Night Shift are restored to the full flower of youth. Their flesh becomes tight again, their color high, Matchstick’s hair grows back where it should be.
“Wha…” Rincewind stares at the others, then me. “How… how did you do that?”
I’d love to tell him. But I’m not about to let RiftBorn know I can see behind the curtain. Knowing the designers have a writer who’s ripping off GenX movies is the only trump card I have in this game, and I mean to keep it.
“It’s always handy to keep an old guy around.” I wink. “Especially a LivingLegend.”
The NightShift celebrates. They are rolling in gold, enough to take them wherever they want, buy whatever they want. Legendary LootBoxes buff their spells, their stats, their abilities. I see a level-up notification in my HUD, watch my Stamina climb, watch my Skill Tree spread. But I’m not watching that. I’m watching them.
I just sit there with my LootBox unopened, watching the joy on their faces. A bunch of grinder kids who refused to quit, worked together, and hit the motherlode. My grinder kids.
Pepper cuddles up to me. “You did so good, Dave!” She hugs me. “I’m sorry about your son.”
I chuckle. “Don’t be, Cabbage Patch. He had a pretty good life, all things considered.” I check my Hype score. ?1,033,500. A million dollars since they plugged me into the stupid game. “A pretty good life.”
[SYSTEM NOTICE]
RiftBorn [ENTER] Backend Server Hotfix Cycle
The temple winks out of existence. The Night Shift is gone. Everything is gone. It’s just me, Hank, and Pepper, staring at a world of nothing but white static.
It’s like we just died.
[SYSOP]
All LL001-406. Data integrity lock engaged.
Estimated uptime: TBD
Multiple Patches in Progress. Stand by for game changes.
In the last 10 hours, I’ve been shot, exploded, detonated, and frozen. I’m covered in my own blood. But winning this stupid game has filled me with a determination made of pure steel.
Whatever’s next, I’m ready for it.