gayannabeth

  dysphoria, internalized transphobia

  [colpse]

  You probably assumed, but just to confirm: no, Liv did not end up dicking me down in the backseat of her car. That would require me informing her that that was even something I wanted. Plus! Plus… I wasn’t even a girl, really, and Liv only liked girls! So it would be wrong of me to ask her to do that.

  We actually didn’t even head straight back to her car. Instead, we wandered around the mall, looking out for anything that caught our attention. There was a jewellery store, but Liv didn’t seem all that interested in that. It made sense, the only jewellery she wore were a couple of studs in her earlobes, a couple of loops on the tops of her ears (I think those were called ‘helix’ piercings), one stud on her nose, and her septum piercing that she had a habit of fidgeting with. She also wore a choker, but I wasn’t sure that counted as jewellery.

  Eventually, we headed back to Liv’s Prius, and I gave her the address for my apartment building.

  “This was fun,” I said as we pulled out of the parking lot and turned east onto Finch Avenue.

  Liv nodded. “How’s the bra? Is it too tight?”

  I shook my head. “Feels fine to me.”

  “Alright. Let me know if it starts feeling too tight, I’ll bring you back here and you can get something bigger, alright?”

  I smirked. “Oh, are you asking for me to provide you with updates as to the status of my boobs?” No! Bad Lillith! No flirting with the lesbian! Even if she is super duper hot and nice and fun and has your favourite type of piercing.

  I gnced over at Liv to find her beet red. “I- That’s- Um- No, that was not what I meant! I just thought I’d offer to drive you over here if you needed a bigger bra. That’s it!”

  I cringed. “Um, sorry.”

  Liv gave me a weird look. “No, you don’t have to apologise. It’s fine! I’m ok if you wanna flirt. Hell, I even asked you out earlier.”

  That is true. I still couldn’t help but feel ashamed. She didn’t really want to date me. I was just some stupid boy pretending to be a girl.

  The next day, during lunch, I was sitting where I usually sat with Rachel, but she was nowhere to be seen. After waiting for several minutes, I pulled out my phone and sent her a text.

  Lady Lillith: where r u?

  I put my phone face-down on the table, too anxious to eat lunch.

  I’d remembered to put on one of my new bras that morning – go me! I also decided to try wearing a pair of panties as well. They were a little tight on the front, but I imagined that wouldn’t remain the case if I kept pying the game.

  That thought was a wild one. The thought of that… thing… no longer being there, instead repced with a fucking vagina… I’m not gonna lie, that was very appealing to me. I’m just weird like that.

  My phone buzzed.

  XxChained_RachelxX: im in the bathroom. be there in a min

  What the fuck could she possibly be doing in the bathroom that was taking her this long? Also, when had she changed her username? I was pretty sure it had read ‘Rebel’ and not ‘Rachel’ before.

  Before I could think about that too much, the seat next to me was suddenly occupied by a short girl with curly bck hair. Rachel had arrived.

  “Hey Rachel,” I said, settling down finally.

  “Hey Lilly,” she replied and oh my goddess, that was one cute voice. She sounded nervous. She turned to look at me and-

  Whoa.

  She was wearing makeup. And it looked good. Was that what had taken her so long in the bathroom?

  “Sorry I’m te,” Rachel said. “Had to fix my makeup. Also, did you know that when you wipe, you need to go front to back?”

  “I’m sorry, what?” I said, only sort of focused on what she was saying as I stared, transfixed, at her dark eyeshadow, the fucking sparkles adorning her cheeks, and the vibrant red lipstick she had on. This was my friend?! The girl who only a week ago was freaking out about ‘woke plots’ to turn people into girls?? It seemed to be that she’d embraced this so-called ‘woke plot’.

  “I finished the game this morning,” she said. “I am now completely a girl. And that means I need to wipe front to back now.”

  “I don’t get it,” I replied.

  Rachel groaned. “Look, do you want shit getting in your fucking pussy?”

  “Uhhh, what?”

  Rachel growled. “Lilly! Have you even been paying attention?”

  I nodded my head. “Uh, you said something about finishing the game?”

  Rachel cringed. “Sorry for snapping at you,” she said, quieter than she had been speaking. “But, yeah, I finished it. I, uh, have a vagina now, so… yeah.”

  It took a moment for that to sink in. “Wait, like, actually?”

  Rachel nodded. “Yes, actually. Also, I think I got shorter too. Or you got taller.”

  That… ok then. If my theory about us turning into our game characters was true, then I should’ve stayed the same height… ish. Give or take an inch.

  “I think you got shorter.”

  “Yeah, I definitely did.”

  We ate in silence for a bit.

  “Hang on, du- Rachel, how did your parents react?”

  Rachel cringed. “I, uh, they don’t know. They haven’t seen me. I’ve been trying to, um, hide this from them. I guess I can’t do that forever, but, uh…” She poked at the sandwich she’d gotten herself. “It’ll be fine, right? I’ll just expin that I did this to expose a woke plot, and they’ll understand, right?”

  Oh fuck. This was going to go horribly. I was sure of it. But how could I communicate that to her?

  “What if they don’t?” I asked.

  “They- They will.” She said, her lip trembling. “They have to. They really really have too…”

  I picked up my burger and took a bite.

  “I don’t think they will, girl,” I said softly, which probably was a lot nicer to listen to with my voice being all feminine now.

  Rachel shook her head. “They have to. They love me. I’m their s-s-son.”

  It sounded like it physically hurt her to call herself anyone’s ‘son’. She was no one’s son. She was a fucking daughter. She was a girl. A woman. I was sure of that now. She just needed to accept it. I couldn’t tell her, after all.

  …

  I mean, maybe it wouldn’t hurt? After all, she’d basically already completely transitioned! There has to be, like, an exception to the Egg Prime Directive or whatever. Like, isn’t the whole thing about the Prime Directive in Star Trek that it was only for pnets that hadn’t developed space travel yet? I feel like that meant the Egg Prime Directive shouldn’t apply to my friend.

  To be fair, I’d never watched any Star Trek before in my life.

  Well, maybe she needed a little nudge. I wasn’t going to say, ‘hey, I think you’re trans, actually.’ I was going to be a bit more… subtle than that.

  “Hey, do you think you might actually just be a trans girl?” I asked before I could talk myself out of it.

  Rachel’s eyes widened. “N-No, I don’t th-think I am.” She wouldn’t look me in the eyes. “I-I’m pretty sure y-you a-a-are.”

  What?!?!

  “Huh?” I said intelligently. “What do you mean?”

  Rachel stared at me. “Y-You’re kidding, right?” She took a deep breath. “Remember in h-high school, w-when you’d tell me all the time about h-how much you wish you were a g-girl?”

  “Yeah, but every guy thinks that, right?”

  Rachel shook her head. “No. M-Most guys don’t.” She cringed. “I m-mean, I d-d-do, b-but I-I-I-I’m weird. Plus it would be t- too much of a coincidence. We can’t b-both be trans.”

  I shook my head. “No no no! Hold on! No! I’m not trans. You’re the trans girl here! It would be too much of a coincidence if we were both trans girls.”

  Rachel shook her head, her sandwich forgotten on the tray in front of her. She was trembling. “No! I can’t be trans! I can’t be… I just can’t be… I have to be a boy. Have to be a man…”

  “Rachel?” I said, my voice filled with concern.

  “I have to go!” Rachel excimed, standing up, scooping up her sandwich, and walking off.

  What the heck…

  A part of me wanted to chase after her. Another part of me felt she needed some space.

  Besides, I’d fucked up. I’d brought up the subject and upset her. And now I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say to help her accept herself.

  I also noticed that she hadn’t said anything about wanting to be or liking being a guy. Just that she had to be. Like it was some sort of duty that she had to fulfill.

  Which, gonna be honest, was total fucking horseshit.

  gayannabeth