Benjamin – Dimensional Siphon #1001

  “MAY YOU WITNESS HIS MERC-“

  My unarmored fist punches through where a mind assumes the beings heart resides and the bone, purple viscera and red shards of shattered platemail splinter outward. Meanwhile, my [Khon-Tumic’s Robe of Acceleration] whips in the wind its had created and the notification confirms the uneducated anatomical guess:

  Dismissing the offer of the trait I feel a warm tingle run through me whilst the triumvirate praises his pastaery goodness for the appropriately leveled siphon.

  One of me catches a black and silver runed staff as tall as my brow as it flashes into existence.

  All of me are more than a little relieved to be done with this shit for a while.

  Don’t get me wrong I was glad for the staff, as it would be useful if any of me had to actually cast anymore, but what I was really glad about was the fact that the grind had finally paid off.

  Now I know what you’re thinking.

  ‘But Benjamin you have been out here for months and you still haven’t leveled capped yet?’

  Well this was mainly because the scarcity of level 99 invaders these days. Then after I had hit cap in my primary class I didn’t get any bloody blue screens telling me I’m the greatest…so naturally my now multiplicitous inner completionists took over and well, here we are:

  A me stows my shiny new toy with the piles of other crap I would probably never get around to using in my [lesser Dimensional Pocket], whilst another me surveys the white stony plateau of the siphon and the broken remains of the Juvenile Ravagers that litter it.

  So as we wait impatiently for the timer to tick down, a me elects to review my ‘status’, to check on the effects of the new title and stem the encroaching boredom:

  A me frowns at being so close the charisma and luck attribute threshold whilst another me bemoans the fact that I would no doubt be the luckiest most charminingest pirate on the planet right now if it were for that whatever the fuck it was touching me and leaving the debuf that still wont fuck off!

  To make matters worse, a me subsequently tries and fails to not be aware of the fact that I’m still too chicken shit to mess willy nilly with the fabric of reality and thus can’t get perfect 10’s for all my skills, lest all of me earn an even worse status effect.

  And while another of my minds is lamenting the lack of use I have for weapons with my trait harvesting friendly fighting style, the triumvirate concurs before also lamenting that its about time to head back to the remnants of humanity and endeavor to not create a misunderstanding based murder death kill scenario…again...

  So as the timer ticks down and all of me are gladly taken into the tunnel of unreality and deposited back into volcano land with a fragile smile on our face:

  Finding no greeting party in the toasty and sulfury environs of any description, a me figures its better to skip the scenic route with Greeny this time and go directly to go.

  Opening a [Lesser dimensional Portal] with the edge of the only Outpost I’ve been to’s clearing, a me steps through into a decidedly cooler and greener environment to meet my fellow man:

  A mind surveys the near vacant surroundings for a moment and registers the movement of a couple of people entering and leaving the Outpost that takes pride of place in the clearings center.

  Another me also note that the size and dimensions of the Outpost do not seem in any way different to what I remember and rather than stand on the edge of the clearing with my hood up like a creeper, all of me elect to lower it and head toward the nearest entrance arch.

  While the me on motor function duty closes on the Outpost at slow walk so as not to alarm the nearby people. Another me notes that they have official looking guards stationed at the entrances now.

  Feeling a collective hope rise within my chest at the prospect of law and order having being reestablished, a me picks up my pace slightly to hasten the start of a new chapter in our life during the apocalypse.

  Coming to the entrance a me offers a smile to the bored looking guard with a mace hooked on a leather belt and his shield slung on his back.

  Nodding in silent greeting he reciprocates and states in a bored American accent.

  “Greetings friend, I am sorry to inform you that the entrance fee has now been changed to..er..to ten percent of the ‘Manamotes’ in your possession at the time of your arrival at this here fine outpost.”

  The guard seems like he’s a bit unsure about what to do next and I continue to smile while one of my minds tells me that I should just give him about fifty manamotes and skip the whole percent bit, and another me supplies.

  “How about we call it an even 50 mate?”

  The guy seems pleasantly surprised by the offer and opens his mouth, but a leather clad Asian guy steps in, stating obsequiously to the American’s obvious annoyance.

  “I’m sorry good sir, but every entrant must be subjected to my Assess Worth skill by order of the Outpost Council.”

  Well shit, that sounds like it might put a spanner in the works.

  While one of my minds rebukes that I should have worn defensive stat’ed platmail, another rejoins that with my attributes I might even be immune to the skill. Meanwhile a third mind engages my talky/smiley bits as it entreaties.

  “Please don’t, I would strongly advise against that.”

  The Asian gentleman blinks confusedly for a moment at my polite refusal then narrows his eyes and at the same time I feel like some part of me is being exposed to fresh air for the first time since forever.

  After the feeling dissipates the guys face and stance slacken like he’s been hit with a mild tranquilizer whilst he stutters.

  “F-F-Fi-Fifty fi-five Mi-“

  Before he cuts himself off by clapping his own hand over his mouth and a me points out that he was about to accidently announce my Manamote total to everyone within earshot.

  Now that he knows, one of my minds suggests we eliminate him under the state of Ben’s secrets act, another reckons that it’s still salvageable and if we bribe him he will shut up. Meanwhile the one in charge of the external side of things, replies with a tinge of genuine regret at the first potential hitch in operation Rejoin Humanity.

  “Now I asked you not to do that….”

  The Asian fellow obviously sees this as an opportunity for profit and a little color returns to his face as he launches into a stammering sales pitch.

  “P-Please take a moment to consider good sir, the running of the outpost and the required upgrades for individuals such as yourself to u-utilize, cost many many Manamotes. S-So it is only fair and just, to contribute 10% of your earnings n-no?”

  I feel I should give the guy some credit for the size of his balls, but frankly my annoyance at having my privacy breached is winning out and a me replies frostily.

  “And what is stopping me from just walking straight past you guys?”

  The guards next to the Asian man look nervous as one of them slowly summons an arrow and to my bemusement shoots it straight up in the air where at about 50 or so meters up, it explodes into red smoke.

  A me fixes the Middle Eastern looking guard with a questioning gaze, to which he replies in a manner that suggests he’s no stranger to such situations.

  “Effendi, I have just signaled my fellow guardsmen that we have a situation here, please comply or there will be a problem…you do not wish for such a thing….yes?

  As one mind goes into stratagem mode, weighing the pros and cons of engaging in a one sided massacre or not, another one believes that diplomacy is still the better option yet to the surprise of the other two, the one in charge of face time, comes up with the best plan of action yet as it shrugs and states while smiling.

  “Ok, I guess I’ll take my business somewhere else.”

  As one of me turns away from the gathered individuals, all of me relish the fact that they all seemed flummoxed by my course of action. Mind two however, is a bit of a Debbie Downer and isn’t so sure this will work, instead believing that this course of action contravenes Bruce’s mantra to ‘Never Show Weakness”.

  As if to call mind one and three soporific pacifist’s, the cry of the Asian man from behind me puts a spanner in minds three’s mission of ‘just walk away bro’.

  “ARREST THAT THIEF, HE IS A WANTED CRIMINAL!”

  Now that all of me is committed, none of us can turn around and give in so we continue to walk until the Middle Eastern guard calls out.

  “Effendi there is no running from this we are in contact with the other outposts and will inform them of you, please turn back…”

  ‘Oh great Spaghetti monster in the sky, this is why I fucking hate people!’ mind one gripes. simultaneously, mind three opts to take the passive route, as mind two looks to the growing crowd of armored people at the arch in the Outpost’s wall and retorts, whilst giving a dismissive wave.

  “Yeah nah, I’m good thanks.”

  Apparently unimpressed with my reply, the guard shouts back as he begins to walk down the Outpost’s ramp.

  “THIS WAS YOUR CHOICE EFFENDI!”

  Ignoring the threat and continuing to walk in a leisurely gait, so as not to show more weakness than I already have. I make it a couple more paces before I hear the soft whistling of something and just as the whistling reaches a crescendo, a minute pressure on my hind quarters is accompanied by the splintering of wood.

  One of me reaches to my behind slowly, to confirm what we all suspected to be true. Unsurprisingly it discovers that the bastard shot an arrow at my ass and put a hole in a perfectly good robe, whilst I was fucking retreating no less!

  Fighting to contain my collective rage at the sheer dick hole-ery on display, the guard’s voice booms out a little angrier this time.

  “I PROMISE YOU THIS CRIMINAL! WHATEVER TRICK YOU JUST USED, IT WILL NOT WORK A SECOND TIME!”

  Endeavoring to try and take the higher road all of me try and shrug off the attempted butt arrowing as one of me tries to offer him a final way out in the most neutral and non-shouty tone it can muster.

  “That was your one and only free shot….”

  Turning around and continuing my measured gait, It took a jointly supreme effort of will not to cross my fingers in a mirror to my held breath and internal angst.

  Yet still, the guard failed to let us leave in peace as he bellowed.

  “I WARNED YOU EFFENDI!”

  My vastly improved hearing picked up the man’s breathing, as one of me instinctively zeroed in my focus on him. Then I heard the straining of cord and the creaking of wood as if it was right next to me, followed by a *THWAK* of released tension.

  Having had enough, mind three turns me and ploughs me through the complaining air as it brrings me past the slow moving projectile, whilst mind one helped mind three pluck the arrow from the air. Next, mind two took note of the attacking guard’s position on the ramp, and coordinated with mind three as it brought up my empty fist at just the right height to make the guard’s head cease to maintain cohesion.

  Contrary to the lack of resistance all of me expected after my fist had beheaded the foolish guard and sent his disintegrated cranium elsewhere. What met it was a shimmering and transparent blue wall that apparently has informative notifications accompanying it:

  After the fraction of a second of shock wore off, the triumvirate convened a hasty meeting and decided that the potential trait was crapola, but more importantly, the defacto government is going to make it impossible for me to have access to the shop without essentially robbing me. If that wasn’t bad enough they would do it while sullying my pristine reputation with the other settlements.

  Thus the unanimous decision is reached that it’s probably for the best that we relieve them of their Outpost all together.

  One of me grins as the triumvirate elects to give them a sporting chance and evacuate before engaging in all-out war, mind one diligently assumes the role of providing them fair warning.

  “Guess we’re on the clock now….uh…nothing personal guys but I just got a quest to take the Outpost and well….you were kinda dicks, tryna take my stuff and then kill me……so I guess it is personal? Anyho.…I’ll be riiiiiight back!”

  Then we make for the forest as quickly as mind two and three can manage to go in search of the biggest trees I can find.